Seto Kaiba: Memoirs of an Anorexic in Denial
by Diluted Thoughts
Summary: Ever wonder what goes on inside the head of the infamous Seto Kaiba? Read an assorted collection of his thoughts, opinions and daily ramblings here. You may just be surprised... INDEFINITE HIATUS.
1. Chapter One: Entries 1 to 33

_Whoa, first fanfiction. Format may be and is similar to other fanfictions, yes. So first off, I'd like to thank those authors that inspired me to create this story:_

**Huajun Chen **

**Setine**

**Wicked Enough**

_If this sounds too similar to any of the fanfictions written by these three authors, please let me know and I'll gladly revise/delete it. Seriously, this was just a bunch of scrap that I pieced together in Fourth Period. Ah, the wonders of English.._

_

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**Chapter One: Entries 1-33****  
**

**Entry One**—

Stop calling me slim!

Just because I can fit into a size zero in Women's doesn't mean that I have an eating disorder! I call it an accomplishment.

**Entry Two**—

…Not like I was trying or anything.

**Entry Three**—

Huh? What's that? Mokuba's been captured? And by that transsexual too? Damn, I have my work cut out for me.

Entry Four—

Wait, I have to rescue him? But why! I was about to enjoy my lunch!

_"Half a Tic Tac isn't lunch, sir." _

_"…"_

**Entry Five—**

Great, and now I have to walk. I knew I shouldn't have starched my trench coat for eight hours! I should've went to that meeting!

**Entry Six—**

Ugh. Who is that?

**Entry Seven—**

Oh, right.. Pegasus's goon.

**Entry Eight—**

I mean sex slave.

Entry Nine—

_"Will you look at that? It's the famous Seto Kaiba, searching for his baby brother."_

Wow, nothing gets past you.

Entry Ten—

Great. Now you're pointing a gun to my head? Oh yeah, real original. I bet it's not even loaded.

Entry Eleven—

_"Too bad we have to meet like this."_

Pfft, to bad we have to meet at all.

**Entry Twelve**—

_"I'll take you to Mr. Pegasus now."_

Two words: Hell. No.

Entry Thirteen—

Screw you! I don't have time for crap like this!

I'm pulling out the secret weapon.

Entry Fourteen—

_"If you refuse, I'll have to use force."_

You use force on me? Just try it, loser! Touch me and I'll break off that oversized thorn that you call your hair!

..Among other things.

Entry Fifteen—

_"Die then."_

…

You must be joking.

Entry Sixteen—

Time to pull a fast one.

**Entry Seventeen**—

HA! Sheer brilliance! James Bond couldn't have done it better himself!

No, seriously..he must be like sixty by now.

**Entry Eighteen—**

I now christen myself Duelist 007.

**Entry Nineteen—**

My card! Damn you, you made me scar my card! And it was rare, too! Do you know how much this cost me? Not like that it makes a difference…BUT STILL!

Go. To. HELL.

Entry Twenty—

What's your problem? Are you trying to get killed?

…

Right! You work/are owned by Pegasus. No wonder..

**Entry Twenty-one**—

Yeah. I don't know what's going on in your queer little head right now, but listen up:

Take me to Mokuba. NOW.

Get it? Got it? Good.

Entry Twenty-two—

Gawd! More walking? Should've brought my Converse.

Entry Twenty-three—

Hmm. Giant trees, eerie shadows, creepy castle… All we need now are some bats.

And a Dracula.

Entry Twenty-four—

I hope I didn't just jinx myself. I don't appreciate the thought of waking up as a lifeless corpse with a hickey.

**Entry Twenty-five—**

Was that a bat?

**Entry Twenty-six**—

False alarm. It was just one of Pegasus's toons.

Entry Twenty-seven—

God damn, Kemo. Why are you walking so close? Get away from me! See the bubble? See it? Well LEAVE it!

Entry Twenty-eight—

Help! I'm feeling claustrophobic!

Entry Twenty-nine

Whoa. Here already? Time sure does fly when you're trying not to get raped by a seven-foot giant.

**Entry Thirty**—

What the Hell are you waiting for? You've got security clearance! Open the door before I blow it down with my BEWD!

…

Entry Thirty-one—

Note to self: Stay away from n00bs on Myspace.

Entry Thirty-two

_"Maybe we should ring the bell."_

Maybe you should DO AS I SAY BEFORE I BEAT YOUR SORRY ASS!

**Entry Thirty-three**—

Heh. That's what I thought.

Current Standings:  
Pegasus - 0  
Kaiba - 1

Eat your heart out.

* * *

_So how was that? Too similar? Too out of character? Let me know in a review. Not sure when I'll update this. (smites school) I do plan on updating it eventually..if you want me to._


	2. Chapter Two: Entries 34 to 64

**Chapter Two: Entries 34-64**

Entry Thirty-four—

The Hell is your problem?

I told you to take me to Mokuba, not a tour of your master's precious dungeon! Damn, if you love showing it around this much why don't you spruce it up a bit?

I heard tickle-me-pink's the new black.

Entry Thirty-five—

_"These tunnels are honeycombed throughout the entire island. Without me, you can get lost down here for years."_

…

Did Pegasus put you up to that threat? Because if he did, you can let him know I don't plan on being his boy toy anytime soon.

He has Croquet, after all.

Entry Thirty-six—

_"I'm much bigger and stronger than you. You only got the jump on me because you got me by surprise."_

Lol. Rofl. Lmao.

You make me laugh, Kemo. Bigger isn't always better.

Entry Thirty-seven—

Okay, so it is _sometimes_.

Entry Thirty-eight—

…

Don't even go there.

Entry Thirty-nine—

Should've known he was going to hit the alarm. Why does this suddenly feel like some clichéd Austin Powers movie?

Entry Forty—

That was such an oxymoron.

**Entry Forty-one**—

Ah well, guess I should play along.

Entry Forty-two—

"Crikey! I've lost my mojo!"

…

What are you looking at, thorn boy?

**Entry Forty-two**—

Oh screw it to Hell! So I can't act like some geeky ineffective spy, big deal! Now out of my way, loser! I've got to save the damsel in distress!

Entry Forty-three—

Which would be Mokuba.

**Entry Forty-four—**

Note to self: Make Mokuba get a haircut.

Entry Forty-five—

…

Now this is ridiculous.

How many sex slaves can Pegasus afford to have? Why won't someone just profile him already?

Entry Forty-six—

Shit! I'm never going to karate-chop again! I just broke a nail!

Entry Forty-seven—

Red alert! Red alert! I need a manicure! Get Mindy on the phone like…a-sap!

Entry Forty-eight—

Oh, Mokuba, there you are…

Entry Forty-nine—

Of course I'd come. Now shut up before Pegasus finds out I'm here!

…

Crap. Too late.

Entry Fifty—

_"If I had known that you were coming, I would've prepared a better welcome."_

Oh em gee.. Would that consist of a bed showered with rose petals and you minus your clothes? No, thanks.

**Entry Fifty-one**—

Listen here, Peggy.. I understand that you want to rape me and all but take a number and join the other 3.5 billion men and women that want to do the same.

And for the record, I am _way _too damn sexy to be gay, _especially _with you. I don't approve the idea of some naked forty-year-old crawling over me.

Seto Kaiba does _not_ roll that way.

Entry Fifty-two—

…

What've you done to my brother?

Entry Fifty-three—

If you really expect me to believe that you "locked away his soul," you're an even a bigger nutcase than I thought.

Entry Fifty-four—

I stand corrected. You're a psychopathic madman.

Entry Fifty-five—

Hey, wanna hear my philosophy?

Entry Fifty-six—

No? Too bad, you're going to here it anyway:

An artificial eyeball doesn't grant you any special privileges.

**Entry Fifty-seven**—

Just cut the small talk already! Tell me what I need to do to get Mokuba back. And do it like..

NOW.

Entry Fifty-eight—

That's it? I just need to defeat you in a duel to get him back?

YES! I'll be back in time for Golden Girl reruns!

**Entry Fifty-nine**—

…

WHAT?

Entry Sixty—

I've got to duel that mutated porcupine _first_? You'd better give me another damn option!

_"Give me lap dance."_

…

So, when's Yugi going to get here?

Entry Sixty-one—

…

What are you doing?

Entry Sixty-two—

Why are you untying your tie? I agreed to duel Yugi! I did NOT agree to have sex with you! That wasn't even an option!

Entry Sixty-three—

Deep shit, the tie just came off.

**Entry Sixty-four—**

And…this is where I take my leave!

Fare thee well, Peggy!

_

* * *

_

Ah! An update! How we adore thee! Kidding. Leave a review, they're my bloodline.


	3. Chapter Three: Entries 65 to 96

****

Chapter Three: Entries 65-96

Entry Sixty-five—

Damn it.

Don't look now, here comes the dweeb patrol.

Entry Sixty-six—

I'm not letting you in, loser, so stop complaining.

"But I won ten Star Chips!"

Does it look like I give a flying crap that you have ten Star Chips?

Pegasus is mine. You hear me? MINE.

Entry Sixty-seven—

…

GAWD, I just realized how gay that sounded.

**Entry Sixty-eight**—

Crap! Is the paparazzi around? I've had enough of their allegations! I'm _not _homosexual!

**Entry Sixty-nine**—

"Kaiba, who are you talking to?"

MYSELF.

Got a problem with that, short stuff?

**Entry Seventy**—

"I'll take you on, Kaiba!"

Shut up, Wheeler. Go recruit someone for your mutt mafia or something. I heard the Rottweiler down the street wants in on some of that stolen kibble.

Entry Seventy-one—

…

Did he just get taller?

Entry Seventy-two—

"I accept your challenge."

WHOA. Who knew puberty could hit in 2.32 seconds.

Enzyte, anyone?

Entry Seventy-three—

Yes, it's a Dueling Disk. No, it's not a Skip-It, Wheeler.

Entry Seventy-four—

Get your game on!

…

I hope they never make that into a catchphrase.

Entry Seventy-five—

I'll be starting things off, if you don't mind. After all, who's tall enough to ride a roller coaster without parental supervision?

Entry Seventy-six—

Curse of Dragon? Yeah, bet you're going to attack now.

Entry Seventy-seven—

I should start a fortune telling booth.

Entry Seventy-eight—

Now, time to get rid of that oversized pterodactyl. Go become a fossil for the next three thousand years or something.

Entry Seventy-nine—

Oh gawd, don't tell me that's who I think it is…

**Entry Eighty—**

No. No. NO.

DARK MAGICAN?

Entry Eighty-one—

Just kill me now. I'm tired of seeing porcupine-head play his little pixie boyfriend.

Entry Eighty-two—

Okay, originality is one thing..but seriously, what is up with that outfit? Purple? Why don't you just make it lavender and borrow some of Peggy's frills?

And that gigantic staff is _not _helping things.

Entry Eighty-three—

The staff in his hands is what I meant, by the way.

Entry Eighty-four—

…

I wasn't even looking there!

Entry Eighty-five—

..Hearts unfold like flow'rs before Thee, op'ning to the sun above…

"Kaiba, why are you singing Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee during our duel?"

Because I need to feel a ONENESS with GOD.

"…"

What? I'm not Satanic, you know.

Entry Eighty-six—

Stop snickering, mutt.

Entry Eighty-seven—

"..I call upon my Dark Magician!"

-LykeOmgInsertFakeGaspsHere.-

Entry Eighty-eight—

I have to show you my hand? GEEZ, what about my entire deck while we're at it?

Entry Eighty-nine—

Yeah, shocked that I haven't played my Blue Eyes yet? You should be. It's all part of my SECRET plan.

FWAHAHAHA!

…

I'm okay, I swear.

Entry Ninety—

YES! The Crush Card! Just what I needed!

Prepare to be screwed, Yugi!

Entry Ninety-one—

Not literally.

UGH. You know how messy that would be?

Entry Ninety-two—

HA! Now you're only left with magic cards and weak monsters!

Entry Ninety-three—

Make like Houdini and get lost, Pixie Boy!

Entry Ninety-four—

PWNAGE.

My final Blue Eyes!

Entry Ninety-five—

YES! Polymerization! Just what I needed!

Entry Ninety-six—

I'm in the money!

Literally.

* * *

Leave a review unless you want me to go anemic.


	4. Chapter Four: Entries 97 to 133

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Chapter Four: Entries 97-133

Entry Ninety-seven—

I've done it.

History has been _made_, boys and girls! I just summoned the Blue Eyes ULTIMATE Dragon.

Beat that, you mutated popsicle-head.

Entry Ninety-eight—

Huh? Huh? Bet'cha can't! Just TRY and summon a monster. I'll have my dragon fry it into a pancake!

…

Yes, I know pancakes aren't fried. Just shut up and let me have my moment!

Entry Ninety-nine—

Whoa, he's really going to summon a monster?

Hypothesis equals failed.

**Entry One Hundred**—

Lykeomfgwtfh.

…

Why is he cackling? I see no need to cackle! I expect begging, damn you!

BEGGING!

Entry One Hundred One—

…

…

…

ARE YOU SERIOUS? THAT FURBALL AGAINST MY ULTIMATE DRAGON?

Entry One Hundred Two—

HOLYCRAPWHERE'SMYRITALININEEDITLIKERIGHTNOWBEFOREIGOCOMPLETELYINSANE!

_"Uh..Kaiba, people don't use Ritalin any more."_

…

SHUT UP, WHEELER.

You'd be in the exact same position if some midget was mocking YOUR most powerful creature!

Entry One Hundred Three—

Then again, your deck's full of faggoty wannabes.

Entry One Hundred Four—

What the Hell? Are you trying to infect my Ultimate Dragon with LICE? Excuse me, but he's a purebread. So why don't you just go march your little hairball army elsewhere?

Preferably Wheeler's scalp.

Entry One Hundred Five—

…

Why are they still there? My dragon just attacked them. This can't be right.

OMGOMGOMG.

Entry One Hundred Six—

Calm down, Kaiba..

Let's try again.

Entry One Hundred Seven—

They're STILL there?

DAMN IT.

Entry One Hundred Eight—

What in the name of Hey-Zus is happening? Why do they keep multiplying? Get with the program, you dwarf!

This is a DUEL and NOT Human Sexulaity 101!

Entry One Hundred Nine—

_Wait_.

My dragon loses 1200 points? Each turn? Just because your outdated caveman has an arrow sticking out of his _head_?

…

Can-Not-Com-Pre-Hend.

Entry One Hundred Ten—

For the love of God.

I'm SCREWED.

I'm in deep, deep DEEP shit.

This can't get any worse.

Damn. Damn. DAMN.

Entry One Hundred Eleven—

Poetry © Seto Kaiba.

Entry One Hundred Twelve—

Alright, I'll be flat with you here, Yugi. Pay close attention now. I'm only going to say this ONCE:

I. _CANNOT_. Lose.

Entry One Hundred Thirteen—

Now that I've got that out of my system..

Onto plan B, folks.

Entry One Hundred Fourteen—

Stare. Grim stare. Grim, _penetrating _stare.

Oh yes, he's backed into a corner now. One attack and I'll be thrown off this ledge. Falling. Onto the ground. Body hitting the ground. Bones shattering. Blood spewing EVERYWHERE. A various array of insects feasting on my skin like it's Thanksgiving dinner.

So..

What're you going to do now? Do you really want to be needlessly acupunctured by thousands of needles by my rabid fangirls for cutting my life short? Hm? Do you?

DO YOU?

Entry One Hundred Fifteen—

Crap, I better not get labeled as Emo for this.

…

Or get a restraining order. Heh. Don't wanna go through THAT again.

Nope. NO SIR-EE.

Entry One Hundred Sixteen—

_"Attack, Celtic Guardian!"_

PFFT.

And people say that _I'm_ heartless? Just LOOK at this guy! He wants me to die!

Entry One Hundred Seventeen—

10.4 seconds left until he attacks.

Time to make a quick will.

Entry One Hundred Eighteen—

To Mokuba (if he gets out Peggy's hands alive. Which he will. Because he's a Kaiba.) I leave KaibaCorp and my entire state.

To Yugi I leave my trench coats in high hopes that he can finally get a new wardrobe.

And finally, to Wheeler, I leave every pair of scissors that I own so that he may be able to do away with that dandellion garden he calls his hair.

Entry One Hundred Nineteen—

LE GASPETH!

Hold that thought!

Entry One Hundred Twenty—

Alleluia! I live!

Entry One Hundred Twenty-one—

…

Holy Jeebus, midget breakdown.

Entry One Hundred Twenty-two—

Tears. Dramatic fall to the knees. More tears. Staring down at hands. Even more tears.

Angst thy name is Yugi Muto.

Entry One Hundred Twenty-three—

Yeah, I'm just going to attack now and get over with this duel so I can beat Peggy and go home to my computer wife.

'Kay?

**Entry One Hundred Twenty-four**—

W00t. I just won!

**Entry One Hundred Twenty-five**—

He's STILL crying?

Entry One Hundred Twenty-six—

Maybe I should lay off the derisive comments/speech/cackling then.

…

Nah.

Entry One Hundred Twenty-seven—

"Yugi spared you! He showed you compassion, which is more than you deserved!"

Listen, my dear, I really _don't _give a damn. He LOST the game. So why don't you go back to cheering in the sidelines…

SOMEWHERE IN PERSIA.

Entry One Hundred Twenty-eight—

"Yugi may have lost one lousy Duel Monsters game, but at least he hasn't lost his heart!"

…

And this is where I tune out.

Entry One Hundred Twenty-nine—

_"And what do you have, Seto Kaiba?"_

Let's see here, time to list:

1. I'm wealthier than Bill Gates.

2. Women and men alike CAN'T keep their hands off me.

3. I've been voted Domino City's Most Eligible Bachelor three years in a row, going on four. (But hey, who's counting?)

4. I _way_ taller than your vertically challenged boyfriend.

5. And most importantly…

I DON'T DO LAME FRIENDSHIP SPEECHES.

Entry One Hundred Thirty—

"…"

Yes, I had a feeling that you'd have nothing to say. Just do us all a favor and stick to sucking your boyfriend's—

_"KAIBA!"_

Whoops, did I say that out loud?

Entry One Hundred Thirty-one—

Now if you don't mind, I'll be leaving. It's time to do what I do best: play the valiant hero and save the damsel in distress.

Who, mind you, is _still_ Mokuba.

Entry One Hundred Thirty-two—

Catch you later, geeks.

Entry One Hundred Thirty-three—

Oh, and Yugi, here's a friendly little tip:

Man up.

…

For once.

* * *

Review! Every donation counts! … Don't make me have to break out my bell. (Yes, that was sarcasm.)


	5. Chapter Five: Entries 134 to 171

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Chapter Five: Entries 134-171

Entry One Hundred Thirty-four—

Oh how lovely, Pegasus, red. I feel like I'm in a twisted parody of the Sixth Sense now.

Entry One Hundred Thirty-five—

Ah well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Entry One Hundred Thirty-six—

…

I see gay people.

Entry One Hundred Thirty-seven—

OLD FRIEND?

We were NEVER friends to begin with. We will NEVER be friends in the future.

And just for the record, we'll NEVER be MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS either.

Entry One Hundred Thirty-eight—

Audience? What audie—

…

WHATAREYOUDOINGHEREITHOUGHTYOUWERETOOBUSYEMOING!

Entry One Hundred Thirty-nine—

I loathe goody-two-shoe heroes…

With a PASSION.

Entry One Hundred Forty—

Why are you staring at my new and innovative Duel Disk like it's some sort of new breed of animal?

That title belongs to Wheeler!

Entry One Hundred Forty-one—

"Do I spin it like a top or roll it like a ball?"

Neither, but if you suspended it like a yo-yo then you and Wheeler could partake in a rousing theatre of walking the dog.

Literally.

**Entry One Hundred Forty-two—**

Oh HELLZ no.

My brother is _not_ going to be your pawn!

…

It's ON now, Pegasus.

Entry One Hundred Forty-three—

_"Kaiba, to win you have to believe in the heart of the cards!"_

…

You may live in a little fairy-tale world populated with fairies, midgets and pixie dust but I do _not_. I live in that funny thing called REALITY. And in REALITY cards don't have a heart!

Entry One Hundred Forty-four—

Well, unless you're a hippie or something.

Entry One Hundred Forty-five—

Defense mode? On your first turn?

…

Um, what's the word used to describe an absurdly ineffective move?

Entry One Hundred Forty-six—

Oh, that's right:

LAME.

**Entry One Hundred Forty-seven**—

Shit, he just played Prophecy.

Entry One Hundred Forty-eight—

Don't say over 2,000...don't say over 2,000...don't say over 2,000...

"I prophesize that the card is…indeed over 2,000!"

…

FUDGE.

Entry One Hundred Forty-nine—

I didn't realize I was going up against a Guess Who CHAMPION.

Entry One Hundred Fifty—

Whatever, have you're little fun.

But you are NO match against my Crush Card.

Entry One Hundred Fifty-one—

… … … … … …

NEGATIVE ENERGY?

NO! MYPLANJUSTGOTWASHEDDOWNTHEDRAIN!

**Entry One Hundred Fifty-two—**

And now I'm done to 1,000 life points.

Yeah, this duel…

IT'S NOT LOOKING GOOD.

Entry One Hundred Fifty-three—

Funny Bunny…blah, blah, blah…Ruff Ruff McDogg…blah, blah, BLAH.

I could care LESS about a senile old man going on about the Dark Age where cartoons had ridiculously witty names.

Entry One Hundred Fifty-four—

Toon World.

LAWL. Where DO they come up with these names?

_"Um, Pegasus is the head of Industrial Illusions. That means he comes up with the names."_

…

Thank you, Yugi. And now here's a little fun fact of my own:

I'm CEO of KaibaCorp, which means that I have the authority to THROW MY DUEL DISK AT YOUR HEAD.

**Entry One Hundred Fifty-five**—

Actually, I take that back. I better not risk it being damaged by those painted metal spikes of yours.

Entry One Hundred Fifty-six—

The hell? Where did your rabbit go?

FYI, this isn't a magic show!

**Entry One Hundred Fifty-seven**—

Are you SERIOUS? I can't attack?

…

Where did I put that bottle of wine?

**Entry One Hundred Fifty-eight**—

What. Have. You. Done. To. MY BLUE EYES?

"I've just converted him to his true form—and made him look much more cuddly."

TRUE FORM? He is _NOT_ supposed to look like a freaking Neopet!

Entry One Hundred Fifty-nine—

Yes. I just ditched my hand.

…

And yes, I AM going to play this card without looking at it.

Entry One Hundred Sixty—

…

PWNAGE.

I OWN this match!

Heh. After all, they don't call me a Duel Monster's Champion for nothing.

Entry One Hundred Sixty-one—

WHAT?

How did that toon just sidestep my Blue Eyes's attack? You CAN'T sidestep lightening, damn it!

**Entry One Hundred Sixty-two**—

Yes, Valentine. Exploding volcano biceps ARE bad.

…

I'm assuming Wheeler helped you out with that one, right?

Entry One Hundred Sixty-three—

HA. Your Toon Dragon's just been CAGED.

…

Or chained…whatever!

Entry One Hundred Sixty-four—

Damn. Damn. DAMN.

Dragon Capture Jar!

Entry One Hundred Sixty-five—

Okay, Swordstalker. Go stalk that jar with your sword!

…

Shut up, I know that sounded lame.

Entry One Hundred Sixty-six—

Doppelganger? It can copy ANY card?

Entry One Hundred Sixty-seven—

…

ANDYOU'REGOINGTOUSEITTOCOPYMYCRUSHCARD?

Entry One Hundred Sixty-eight—

…

…

…

…

All my good cards are GONE.

I am SCREWED.

Entry One Hundred Sixty-nine—

Correction, I just LOST.

Entry One Hundred Seventy—

You're trapping my SOUL into that CARD? Like you did with Mokuba?

…

Then what happens to my body?

**Entry One Hundred Seventy-one—**

NO! NO! _NO_!

I DON'T WANT TO BE A SEX SLAVE TO THAT EYEBALL-LESS FREAK!

…

HELP ME.

* * *

Entry One Hundred Thirty-six was NOT intended to be offensive, so if it was, please accept my sincerest apologies.

You should know the drill by now: REVIEW. Please?


	6. Chapter Six: Entries 172 to 220

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Chapter Six: Entries 172-220

Entry One Hundred Seventy-two—

Blink. Wait for eyes to focus. Blink. Look around. Blink some more.

…

I'm alive?

**Entry One Hundred Seventy-three**—

YES! I _am_ alive!

And my pants are STILL on!

Entry One Hundred Seventy-four—

WAIT.

…

Where the hell is my L'Arc-en-Ciel CD?

DAMN IT, PEGASUS.

Entry One Hundred Seventy-five—

…

Pegasus's locks are as outdated as his outfit.

Now THAT'S making a statement.

Entry One Hundred Seventy-six—

Just what I needed, another enlightening visit by Yugi and his crew of cheerleaders.

Entry One Hundred Seventy-seven—

Huh? Who's that black-haired one? Don't tell me they recrui—_  
_  
…

Mokuba?

**Entry One Hundred Seventy-eight—**

Running. Crying. Hugging. More crying.

Yeah, just like a soap opera. But hey:

Welcome to my life.

**Entry One Hundred Seventy-nine—**

…

Great, the losers are hitching a ride with me.

Shoot me…NOW.

Entry One Hundred Eighty—

Wheeler, would you mind moving down? I don't want to catch rabies.

_"I don't have rabies!"_

Then would you mind explaining that foam?

_"…"_

Thought so.

Entry One Hundred Eighty-one—

Home sweet home.

Now I just need to have the jet disinfected.

…

Mokuba, where's the RAID?

**Entry One Hundred Eighty-two**—

So these five were the ones that Pegasus managed to seduc—I mean manipulate?

Well, I've got news for you:

Leave. NOW.

Entry One Hundred Eighty-three—

You five finished my virtual pod?

…

HEY. Wanna stick around for some cookies and punch? My treat.

"Seto! It's a trap!"

Be quiet, Mokuba. … And get to work on those cookies!

**Entry One Hundred Eighty-four**—

…

SHIT.

It really _was_ a trap. Mokuba's never gonna let me live this one down.

**Entry One Hundred Eighty-five—**

Summon the dragon! Blue Eyes White!…

Note to self: Update play-list.

'Music To Duel By' - NOT appropriate anymore.

Entry One Hundred Eighty-six—

WTF.

Armed Ninja? I didn't program him into the game!

…

It's a CONSPIRACY, I tell you! CONSPIRACY!

Entry One Hundred Eighty-seven—

…

I'm about to be caught. In a net.

How lovely.

Entry One Hundred Eighty-eight—

UGH. What a HORRIBLE dream.

Heh, to think I had actually been thrown into some virtual reality game, kidnapped, and worst of all, quoting cheesy lines from the even cheesier song 'Duel Madness.' Funny, isn't it?

…

WHATDOYOUMEANTHATWASN'TADREAM?

Entry One Hundred Eighty-nine—

Why am I chained to a giant rock? Am I going to be CRUCIFIED?

…

Do I look like the Jesus of Suburbia to you?

Entry One Hundred Ninety—

…

Witty Phantom?

Entry One Hundred Ninety-one—

Why is he SMIRKING at me like that?

Entry One Hundred Ninety-two—

Another note to self: Stop wearing shirts that DON'T button up all the way.

Entry One Hundred Ninety-three—

PFFT.

Like HELL I'm going to be some offering to a five-headed dragon. I'm getting pretty damn pissed.

…

Yeah, that would be your cue to let me DOWN.

Entry One Hundred Ninety-four—

You're not going to? FINE.

I have no choice but to use the magic words:

OPEN SESAME.

**Entry One Hundred Ninety-five—**

…

ITDIDN'TWORK?

Screw you, Aladdin!

Entry One Hundred Ninety-six—

MOKUBA.

Why. Are. You. CROSSDRESSING?

…

Pegasus had something to do with it, didn't he? The next time I see him I'm beating the living CRAP out of him!

**Entry One Hundred Ninety-seven—**

Crisis averted. It was just a façade. He's still a MAN.

Well, _I_ am his role model after all. Seto Kaiba, the manliest man that's ever been born into MANHOOD.

"Is that why your neck is so femininely long?"

…

Shut up, you stupid freakishly observant phantom! Shouldn't you be masked and at an opera or something?

Entry One Hundred Ninety-eight—

Finally down.

Having a younger brother DOES have its perks.

Entry One Hundred Ninety-nine—

…

You asked the DWEEB PATROL for help? You know how I feel about Yugi Mutou!

Silence.

Blink.

Stare.

Blink.

… Did I miss something?

_"Um, Seto, that didn't really…it didn't really sound—"_

"…"

That is IT, Mokuba. No more South Park!

**Entry Two Hundred**—

Don't even bother trying the puppy-lip pout.

I've become IMMUNE to that.

Entry Two Hundred One—

…

Wheeler, is that fur some sad attempt to try and look sexier? Because it's NOT working. Only Valentine could pull off something THAT short.

You, my friend, just look like a Neanderthal.

Entry Two Hundred Two—

A battle of the dragons?

You have just SIGNED your own death wish.

Entry Two Hundred Three—

Stop emoting, Valentine. It's not like you didn't expect him to be the first one destroyed.

The weakest links are ALWAYS the first to go.

Entry Two Hundred Four—

…

And then there were three.

**Entry Two Hundred Five—**

Well, at least two and a HALF.

**Entry Two Hundred Six—**

FORGET IT. I'm beating these five chumps BY MYSELF.

**Entry Two Hundred Seven—**

…

WHY IS MY BROTHER ALWAYS THE ONE TO GO?

Entry Two Hundred Eight—

Alright, ALRIGHT. I'll work together with you.

But just this ONCE.

Entry Two Hundred Nine—

5,000 attack points? And it gains points for EVERY dragon played?

Not bad, Muto. Not bad at all.

**Entry Two Hundred Ten**—

9,000 attack points.

I now officially claim VICTORY.

Entry Two Hundred Eleven—

Why the hell are we falling into the darkness? I thought we won!

GAH! This is so clichéd!

Entry Two Hundred Twelve—

…

What's with all that cheering?

Entry Two Hundred Thirteen—

Shit, I didn't know my fan club was having an assembly today.

Entry Two Hundred Fourteen—

Ohmygawd.

Is my brother going through reversed puberty?

"Isn't that called menopause?"

…

I said REVERSED not OPPOSITE.

**Entry Two Hundred Fifteen**—

Oh, I see. So that was an elf who was disguised as a princess that looked like my brother.

…

Entry Two Hundred Sixteen—

Now I know how Wheeler feels…

…on a DAILY BASIS.

Entry Two Hundred Seventeen—

AHH! Who's clinging to me?

"It's me, Seto. It's Mokuba."

THANK GOD. I thought you were a fangirl.

_"…"_

**Entry Two Hundred Eighteen**—

Let's get out of here, Mokuba. I'm feeling nauseous.

_"Hey, Kaiba! Aren't you going to say thank you?"_

Wheeler, did I fail to mention that YOU are the cause of my nausea?

Entry Two Hundred Nineteen—

"I hope you'll finally begin to think of us as friends!"

Yeah, and maybe you'll finally be allowed to sit WITHOUT a car seat.

Entry Two Hundred Twenty—

Good riddance, losers. See you later.

…

Don't take that in literal terms.

* * *

Leave a review. ... You must get tired of hearing me say that.


	7. Chapter Seven: Entries 221 to 293

****

Chapter Seven: Entries 221-293

Entry Two Hundred Twenty-one—

The Apocalypse is upon us. Lord, save our souls.

Mokuba is actually watching the **news**…

…on his OWN. FREE. WILL.

Entry Two Hundred Twenty-two—

"Seto, we've gotta check out this exhibit!"

What exhibit? Wtf. What are you talking about?

"The Egyptian exhibit. They're talking about it on the news…like right now."

OH. _That_ exhibit.

**Entry Two Hundred Twenty-three—**

…

Just smile and nod, Kaiba. Smile and nod.

Entry Two Hundred Twenty-four—

Mokuba, stop pestering me about the damn Egyptian exhibit! I run a multi-billion dollar corporation AND flee from fangirls on a daily basis. I don't have _TIME_ to see five thousand-year-old wrinkly dudes and their freaking cats!

Entry Two Hundred Twenty-five—

Ring ring

A phone call?

…

Brenda, where the hell are you? You're supposed to be my SECRETARY, damn it! You know what? I've got news for you:

Consider yourself…FIRED.

Entry Two Hundred Twenty-six—

"This is Ishizu Ishtar. You should really be paying more attention to my press conference."

Ishizu Ishtar? What press conference?

…

DON'T tell me _you're_ the president of my fan-club.

Entry Two Hundred Twenty-seven—

Oh. So you're the chick on television, huh?

**Entry Two Hundred Twenty-eight—**

Listen, honey, I know ancient Egypt must really be lovely and all with the make-up and wigs, but I'm just not**—**

…

Rare card?

**Entry Two Hundred Twenty-nine—**

HEY, MOKUBA.

I'll be back in a few hours. Don't wait up for me. No trading stock for Snickers. No recording over my Hyde CD…

…and if I catch you watching South Park, I'll make you watch Teletubby reruns.

_"Respect mah authoritah!"_

…

My point exactly.

Entry Two Hundred Thirty—

You.

Yeah, you in the front seat. David, Jeremiah, Tony**—**

_"Sir, my name is Kanaye."_

WHATEVER. Get me to the Domino Museum…NOW.

Entry Two Hundred Thirty-one—

Leave the car running.

"But sir, that'll waste the gas—"

Let me rephrase that then: Leave the car running if you value your job.

_"…"_

Entry Two Hundred Thirty-two—

Updated stats:  
Kaiba - 2  
Cocaine (what was his name again?) - 0

Oh, I am _so_ good.

Entry Two Hundred Thirty-three—

The guys in TURBANS? Excuse me, I didn't know this was a _reenactment _of Aladdin and the King of Thieves!

**Entry Two Hundred Thirty-four—**

Quick! Someone start singing "A Whole New World."

**Entry Two Hundred Thirty-five—**

…

WHOA. UHM. …

****

WHOISTHAT?

Entry Two Hundred Thirty-six—

Excuse me, I just realized that you are _WAY_ too hot to NOT know me.

Entry Two Hundred Thirty-seven—

Please allow me the honor of introducing myself: Seto Kaiba, Duel Monsters champion, chief executive of KaibaCorp, Domino City's Most Eligible Bachelor, God's gift to women and the LIVING. SEX. GOD.

Entry Two Hundred Thirty-eight—

…

Why does she not look amused?

_"__We met over the phone, Kaiba."_

…

Oh, so YOU were the woman who called me? Weren't you the one mindlessly blathering about Ancient Egypt on television also? You look much prettier in person.

_"…"_

Entry Two Hundred Thirty-nine—

Note to self: **CORRECTION**. Wear shirts that don't button up all the way.

Entry Two Hundred Forty—

_"All the entrances have been locked—no one can get in or out!"_

Huh? Oh gawd, is she the beautiful but insanely dangerous type?

**Entry Two Hundred Forty-one—**

Listen, you ARE pretty and all, but I'm bored. I came because you told me about a rare card and I stayed because I was too busy gaping at your chest, BUT now I'm going to leave.

You can't make me stay!

**Entry Two Hundred Forty-two—**

Shit.

She made me stay. Effortlessly.

…

Entry Two Hundred Forty-three—

Okay, you're walking behind her now. Keep your distance, Kaiba. Now is not the time to start acting like a hormonal-raging teen!

**Entry Two Hundred Forty-four—**

_"Kaiba?" _

HUH? WHAT DID I DO? I DIDN'T EVEN _TOUCH_ YOU.

_"Do you believe in destiny?"_

…

Destiny? Is that all? Heh, well…in that case:

NO.

**Entry Two Hundred Forty-five—**

_"You and I were destined to meet." _

Right. And Wheeler is actually going to be able to graduate high school _without_ being a second-year senior.

Entry Two Hundred Forty-six—

So let me get this straight…

Duel Monsters is based on some five thousand-year-old Egyptian game that was played by ancient dudes for power and then Pegasus discovered this game and decided to reinvent it for modern times but then he created a series of all-powerful cards that were never released to the public?

…

Oh yeah, that's certainly believable and not confusing in the slightest.

Entry Two Hundred Forty-seven—

"These are where my most precious artifacts are kept…"

A large dark basement. Seems cozy.

Entry Two Hundred Forty-eight—

…

No, I am NOT even thinking about _that_. Do I look like a sex-starved maniac to you?

**Entry Two Hundred Forty-nine—**

…

Don't answer that.

Entry Two Hundred Fifty—

WTFH? These carvings look like freaking Duel Monsters cards! Don't tell me what she's saying is the _truth_.

Entry Two Hundred Fifty-one—

Are you telling me that Duel Monsters used to be **real** and evil sorcerers would summon them to do their bidding?

…

Anyone up for a rousing game of Quidditch?

Entry Two Hundred Fifty-two—

Now you want me to look at the next carving?

…

WHY DON'T WE JUST PLAY 'SIMON SAYS' THEN?

**Entry Two Hundred Fifty-three—**

That's the PHARAOH?

DUDE, that's YUGI.

**Entry Two Hundred Fifty-four—**

Oh, yippy! There's his little Winx fairy Dark Magician!

**Entry Two Hundred Fifty-five—**

_"Standing in front of him is the sorcerer fighting against him—that's you, Kaiba."_

…

…

…

…

****

NOIT'SNOTHOWCANYOUSAYTHAT!

Entry Two Hundred Fifty-six—

So WHAT if the monster carved above him is the Blue Eyes White Dragon? That doesn't mean anything! Yugi's grandfather had a damned Blue Eyes. (Before I ripped it up. Heh-heh…heh…) That might be him! But it's **NOT ME**!

WOMAN, you have _lost _your MIND.

Entry Two Hundred Fifty-seven—

_"I'll show you a part of the battle first-hand with the powers of my Millennium Necklace."_

'Millennium Necklace,' 'Millennium Puzzle'

…

Lawl. I wonder if they have a Millennium _Grill_.

Now THAT would be funny.

**Entry Two Hundred Fifty-eight—**

Rob da sarcophagus and tell 'dat corpse make me a GRILL.

**Entry Two Hundred Fifty-nine—**

A bright light!

AHHHHHH! I'm MELTING, _MELTING_.

…

Entry Two Hundred Sixty—

I was thinking about trying out for the part of Dracula in that Broadway play. What do you think?

Entry Two Hundred Sixty-one—

…

YES. I know I'm not Béla Lugosi! So SHUT UP already!

**Entry Two Hundred Sixty-two—**

Wha**— **

GAH! I'm floating in midair!

Entry Two Hundred Sixty-three—

…

Who is the freak in the big-ass turban?

**HE STOLE MY _FACE_! **

Entry Two Hundred Sixty-four—

Snicker. Chuckle. Chortle.

KILT minus SHIRT equals _UTTER HYSTERIA_.

**Entry Two Hundred Sixty-five—**

So what? Just because he's wearing purple, is my height, is as thin as me, looks exactly like me and is just as damn sexy DOESN'T mean I'm HIM or he's ME.

Entry Two Hundred Sixty-six—

Actually, scratch out part of that.

That dude is **way** too anorexic to be like _me_. I am -WAY- more ripped.

Entry Two Hundred Sixty-seven—

So he's got a staff, huh? What are you, Moses?

Entry Two Hundred Sixty-eight—

…

_Let my pickles go! _

Entry Two Hundred Sixty-nine—

Why does that guy on the throne look like Yugi? Except he's taller, slightly hotter and shirtless.

…

WHAT'S WITH THE SHIRTLESSNESS?

Entry Two Hundred Seventy—

'Kay, time for commentary:

So, loser number one (the anorexic that stole my face), has currently summoned La Jinn. But what's this? Loser number two (the ass-kissing bitch of the pharaoh) has just retaliated! Yes, he has just fused two dragons and has…yes! He's just destroyed La Jinn!

_"I'll crush you, Pharaoh!"_

…

Why does this dude sound BRITISH? I am not British! If he's anyone's ancestor, then he's Bakura's!

…

Oh, Ishizu, did you say something?

Entry Two Hundred Seventy-one—

Damn, I was hoping the shirtless thing would apply in reality, too.

"I'm sorry, Kaiba, did you have something to say? I didn't quite catch that."

…

Entry Two Hundred Seventy-two—

UM, NOTHING. -Insert a timely cough here.- I was just saying that…that sorcerer is nothing like me!

_"Then perhaps my final vision will convince you."_

…

Crap.

Entry Two Hundred Seventy-three—

_"My monsters, you have all served me well…but now I will bring out a creature of ultimate destruction—"_

Does this son of a bitch EVER shut up?

_"—the legendary Blue Eyes White Dragon!" _

…

Entry Two Hundred Seventy-four—

WHOA. WHOA. WHOA!

Backtrack here. Back up. **Rewind**.

Did he just say the Blue Eyes White Dragon?

WTFHITS.

First you steal my face, now you steal my most prized monster? What are you gonna steal next, my FANGIRLS?

…

Please do.

Entry Two Hundred Seventy-five—

"I declare victory!"

Why don't you just declare death, roll up and DIE?

Entry Two Hundred Seventy-six—

What? Why am I on the floor?

…

OMG. **NO**!

Entry Two Hundred Seventy-seven—

…

Oh, thank GAWD. The trench coat's still on, pants are still zipped up, there's no random articles of clothing lying around on the floor and Ishizu's not panting for breath!

Entry Two Hundred Seventy-eight—

Hold on.

…

Why would that have been a BAD thing?

**Entry Two Hundred Seventy-nine—**

"Are you convinced now, Kaiba?"

Convinced that your outfits are way too _unrevealing_, yes.

Entry Two Hundred Eighty—

Destiny? Again?

Heh. I make my _own _destiny.

Entry Two Hundred Eighty-one—

Now you're talking about these 'all-powerful' cards again? Is this just some feeble attempt to get me to stay?

Aww, I feel loved.

Entry Two Hundred Eighty-two—

Obelisk the Tormentor, Slifer the Sky Dragon and the Winged Dragon of Ra.

…

How about the Panicky Pixy of Pinkerdom?

Entry Two Hundred Eighty-three—

Okay, let's say I buy this whole God Card crap. But if Peggy _did _make them, then why didn't he use them against me during Duelist Kingdom? Hmm?

Answer me THAT.

Entry Two Hundred Eighty-four—

He feared their POWER?

…

THEN WHAT THE HELL DID HE DO WITH THEM?

_"He gave them to me." _

…

Fork 'em over and I'll officially announce you're my girlfriend to the media.

**Entry Two Hundred Eighty-five—**

You hid them away but someone stole them? I take that back then.…

Actually, I won't if you promise to hike up your dress about 8.57 inches.

**Entry Two Hundred Eighty-six—**

Rare Hunters?…

What is this, some never-before-seen episode of InuYasha?

ITHOUGHTTHEANIMEWASOVER.

Entry Two Hundred Eighty-seven—

Ah. I see, so these fags are some mysterious badass duelists that steal rare cards and sell them illegally?

… And you want ME to make a Duel Monsters TOURNAMENT so they can come and bring the God Cards along with them, like vultures to a carcass?

…

Vultures to a carcass.

Kaiba, you are SO poetic.

**Entry Two Hundred Eighty-eight—**

…

DEAR DIARY,

SHE'S COMING RIGHT TOWARDS ME. WHA'DO I DO?

Remain calm.

WHO SAID THAT?

_The voices in your head._

Oh. M'kay.

**Entry Two Hundred Eighty-nine—**

LE GASP.

This is Obelisk the Tormentor! I thought you said they were found!

LIAR.

_"I never said they were all found. I managed to retrieve one in time."_

…OH…uh…sorry about the random outburst then.

**Entry Two Hundred Ninety—**

_"I'll lend it to you for the tournament." _

"…What makes you think I'll give it back?"

Ooh, nice one, Kaiba. You've got her now! Okay, now smirk. Sly…irresistible…gleaming white teeth smirk.

HA. Let's see her evade this.

Entry Two Hundred Ninety-one—

DAMN IT!

What the hell is this woman's _problem_? Is she made of glass or something? She didn't even flinch!

She's supposed to be _melting_ into a **PUDDLE** by now!

Entry Two Hundred Ninety-two—

_"You will return the card to me."_

Oh?

_"I have foreseen it."_

Meh. I BET.

Entry Two Hundred Ninety-three—

Alright, I agree to host this tournament of yours…

…But NOT because it's my 'destiny' or because of those so-called 'visions.' I'm doing this so I can beat porcupine-head, reclaim my title as number ONE duelist and somehow find a way to figure out why you're not affected by my utter _sexiness_.

Later, sweetheart.

* * *

__

Merry Hanukwanzmas. I probably didn't spell that right, but oh well. Yes, I know I haven't updated in ad infinitum...that's why I made this chapter EXTRA LONG. ... At least it looked pretty long on my Word Processor. Whatever. 'Tis the season! So kindly leave a review. 


	8. Chapter Eight: Entries 294 to 352

****

Chapter Eight: Entries 294-352

Entry Two Hundred Ninety-four—

Okay. New outfit: **CHECK**.

Sleeveless silver studded (bet'cha can't say that three times fast!) trench coat, black shirt and leather pants, and straps on both arms and legs.

Yeah, try resisting THIS, Ishizu!

**Entry Two Hundred Ninety-five—**

"Seto, if you go through with this you're crazy! The monsters could be dangerous!"

Enough whining, kid, I've got this under control.

Entry Two Hundred Ninety-six—

Time to strap into this uber kewl new Duel Disk.

…and even _IT_ matches my outfit.

OH. I am **SO** good.

Entry Two Hundred Ninety-seven—

TIME 2 DUEL.

…

WTF. I thought I ditched that 'Music To Duel By' CD!

**Entry Two Hundred Ninety-eight—**

…

Uhm. Side thought here:

Why did I encode that Duel Robot to have a FEMALE voice?

Shit, I am _so_ desperate.

Entry Two Hundred Ninety-nine—

Crap! Cyber Jar? Why is this Duel Robot so damn smart?

**Entry Three Hundred—**

…

Oh, right.** _I_** programmed it. Heh.

Entry Three Hundred One—

OH. EM. GEE.

**ITJUSTSUMMONEDTHEBLUEEYESWHITEDRAGON**.

Entry Three Hundred Two—

Omg. Extreme _PWNAGE_.

I just summoned Dragon Seeker. Next turn, I'll use his special abilities to destroy your Blue Eyes.

FWAHAHAHA!

…

I'm talking to a COMPUTER.

This is not healthy.

Entry Three Hundred Three—

FECK.

Flute of Summoning Dragon.

SO, let's add up this equation, shall we:

1 Blue Eyes + 2 MORE Blue Eyes…

…equals the deepest SHIT you can ever be in.

Entry Three Hundred Four—

Yeeeeah.

Now I know how Yugi felt that day I briefly went emo.

…

Entry Three Hundred Five—

Except I had no pocket knife, nail file, scissors or compass.

But hey, who's askin'?

**Entry Three Hundred Six—**

OH, this duel is as good as **OVER**.

I just drew Obelisk.

Prepare to be _screwed_.

**Entry Three Hundred Seven— **

…

Um, not literally. Because it's a computer and the only way it could possibly have sex with another computer**—  
**  
…

WTFH am I talking about? I am NOT even gonna go there.

Entry Three Hundred Eight—

The Duel Robot just **exploded**.

-SUCCESS.-

Entry Three Hundred Nine—

Obelisk, you are my _savior_ and my key to defeating Yugi AND breaking through Ishizu's 'You're-Not-As-Sexy-As-You-Think' façade.

I mean, come _on_, you have to admit I look pretty damn hawt while I'm wielding Obelisk in this à la mode trench coat.

Entry Three Hundred Ten—

And for the record, 'à la mode' has absolutely _nothing_ to do with ice cream.

…Uneducated hypocrites, go screw yourselves five times!

…

Oh, uh…

Random Rant: OVER.

Entry Three Hundred Eleven—

ALRIGHT.

Three, two, one…

ACTION.

Entry Three Hundred Twelve—

WHOA!

Don't lose your balance, Kaiba. Fall off and say goodbye to ever knowing if Hagrid really _did_ open the Chamber of Secrets.

Entry Three Hundred Thirteen—

Shit, is that mutated popsicle head? And WTF, is he really on a date with Gardner?

…

Who knew **anyone** could stoop so low.

**Entry Three Hundred Fourteen—**

"Welcome all elite duelists—"

**OHMYGAWD.**

Valentine's here, too? That means Wheeler's probably prowling the vicinity for some Beggin' Strips.

DAMN IT.

I shouldn't have said 'elite.'

Entry Three Hundred Fifteen—

Ah, feck it.

…

Just move on to the KILL.

…

No, I don't mean that song by 30 Seconds To Mars.

…

Damn rabid fangirls.

…

**Entry Three Hundred Sixteen—**

-Insert simultaneous gasps here.-

Heh. You heard right, losers:

If you lose a match, then you lose your **rarest** card.

…

This tournament's going to make Duelist Kingdom look like OUT OF THE BOX.

Entry Three Hundred Seventeen—

And, Yugi, if you lose, you will not only be forfeiting your annoying magician in shining purple armor…but also your title as DUEL KING.

…

Sheer ingenuity. I amaze myself.

Entry Three Hundred Eighteen—

Oooh, did the midget hear my mini-victory speech?

**Entry Three Hundred Nineteen—**

Are you challenging me to a _staring_ contest?

You are ON, little man!

**Entry Three Hundred Twenty—**

Stare.

Stare.

Glare.

Death glare.

…

DAGGER DEATH GLARE OF _DEATH_.

Entry Three Hundred Twenty-one—

…

Nyah. I win.

Entry Three Hundred Twenty-two—

See you in a week, PHAGS.

Entry Three Hundred Twenty-Three—

…

A week just passed by in a millisecond.

These are the advantages of living your life on an anime.

Entry Three Hundred Twenty-four—

Great, I'm on a BLIMP now.

I bet I look so F.A.T. I feel so bloated! I hate PMSing.

**_OMFG_**!!!!!

I RAN OUTTA TAMPONS.

-ANGSTANGSTANGST.-

…

Roflol. _JOKING_.

Entry Three Hundred Twenty-five—

"Seto, what are 'tampons?'"

Tampons? Heh-heh. Who ever said anything about tampons?

_"Um…you just did."_

No, I didn't.

_"Yeah, you did. Like…3. 74 seconds ago."_

OH. You mean THAT.

Uh, I said…pompoms! Yeah! Pompoms! I was thinking of a…a cheer you could do when I duel!

**Entry Three Hundred Twenty-six—**

How does, _Ricka racka ricka racka get 'em Seto, you can whack 'em! _sound?

"…"

Hey, it was worth a shot. _  
_

Entry Three Hundred Twenty-seven—

A'ight ya beezies bettah pay a'tention up'n HURR.

U wit moi?

…

What the crap, did I really say that?

Entry Three Hundred Twenty-eight—

Hey, listen up, self:

GET A GRIP.

…

And don't forget to listen to Dir En Grey. That'll get you back into your emo/J-rock/goth/punk/stuck-up badass mojo _FO' SHO'_.

YA FEEL MEH?

…

Entry Three Hundred Twenty-nine—

Moving on…

Entry Three Hundred Thirty—

Only seven of you God forsaken wannabes can enter the Finals. Oh, and for those of you who are asking, "Well, Kaiba, seven is an odd number, so how is that gonna work out?"

…here's a NEWS FLASH:

I am _ALSO_ competing in this here tourney. And since my dueling skills are beyond brilliant, utterly flawless and totally OWN, I _will_ be the eighth finalist.

No questions asked.

Entry Three Hundred Thirty-one—

"So does that mean we can challenge you, too?"

Huh? Who said that? I didn't know this blimp had high sensitivity-level microphones. Hell, I didn't even know it had _MICROPHONES_.

Entry Three Hundred Thirty-two—

Seriously though, who asked that?

_"We did!"_

The shit? Aren't you two those retards who got their asses kicked by Yugi and Wheeler during Duelist Kingdom?

…

Evel Knievel and Metal Gear REX or something?

Entry Three Hundred Thirty-three—

"Weevil Underwood and Rex Raptor!"

Oh, pardon me. You two are so **famous**, please accept my deepest apologies for actually _forgetting_.

_"That's more like it…"_

I'll take a random stab in the dark and guess that they DIDN'T notice the blatant sarcasm in that remark?

Entry Three Hundred Thirty-four—

"Just answer the question, Kaiba!"

"Yeah, Weevil and I have to get going!"

On what, pray tell? A _DATE_?

"We aren't gay!"

I never said you _were_. I simply asked if you were going out on a date. Need I remind you of the multiple definitions of the word 'date?'

Entry Three Hundred Thirty-five—

English Grammar & Usage 101 _(Courtesy of the brilliant mind of Seto Kaiba)_:

'Date,' for one, can mean a particular day, month and even year. For example, I was born October 25th. (Crap-o. Shouldn't have said that. I can just sense the belated birthday greetings rushing in.)

A second definition of 'date' is a meeting or rendezvous. You may be meeting a specific person or going to a specific place for some sort of gathering, such as a business meeting. (Damn, damn, DAMN. I have one next week. Neh. Being a CEO **sucks**…sometimes.)

The final classification of the word 'date' is literally _going out_ with someone. This ties in with your abrupt assumption of courting someone or taking them out/doing something with them.

…

Entry Three Hundred Thirty-six—

WHAT?

__

IAMNOTTHINKINGABOUTISHIZU.

Entry Three Hundred Thirty-seven—

…

ANYWAY.

Entry Three Hundred Thirty-eight—

So, uhm…what did you ask? Something about challenging me?

"…"

**Entry Three Hundred Thirty-nine—**

Why are you two vacantly staring at me like Wheeler did when he got his Pre-Algebra grade?  
_  
_Just answer the damn question!

_"Huh? Oh, uhh…yeah! We were wondering if we could challenge you, too."_

_"You know, during the tournament…"_

_"Yeah, since you said you were still gonna be competing in it and all."_

…

Entry Three Hundred Forty—

Outraged sputter.

Are you MOCKING me? Do you _really_ believe that **YOU** can defeat **ME**, Seto Kaiba, in a duel?

Entry Three Hundred Forty-one—_  
_

Wait, I have an even better question:

Have you ever been recommended to an asylum for the mentally impaired?

Entry Three Hundred Forty-two—

_"We're not mentally impaired!"_

Well, you still need to be mentally_ repaired_.

Entry Three Hundred Forty-three—

"We're serious, Kaiba! We wanna know if we can duel you, too."

Oh, is that so?

"That's right! We're not trying to make fun of you or anything."

I would imagine…

**Entry Three Hundred Forty-four—**

FINE:

_YES_.

You can challenge me also, but if you actually want to _win_, then I suggest challenging someone else.

Entry Three Hundred Forty-five—

…  
_  
_Like Wheeler.

Entry Three Hundred Forty-six—

If you defeat him and get him kicked out of my tournament, I'll be your ultraawesomesuperbestfriend…

…for **LIFE**.

Entry Three Hundred Forty-seven—

…

Why is everyone looking at me for?

_"Mr. Kaiba, you've been making inaudible comments for the past seven minutes."_

…

_"Um, are you okay, big brother?"_

…I'm just fine.

Entry Three Hundred Forty-eight—

_NO._

I don't need a therapist!

_"We never said you did, Seto."_

…

Entry Three Hundred Forty-nine—

Let's just pretend that whole scenario **never** happened and move on with our lives.

Entry Three Hundred Fifty—

…

Time to start this tournament…the _right _way.

Entry Three Hundred Fifty-one—

Can someone give me an "OH YEAH?"

_"…"_

Screw you guys to HELL.

Entry Three Hundred Fifty-two—

Light flutter of the eyelashes. Graceful flourish of the hand. Amused smirk. Dramatic pause. (Heh. Watch 'em fanfare.)

…

Let the tournament _begin_!

* * *

An update! An update! Yes, yes. Leave me with a review, my cheeky wee monkeys.


	9. Chapter Nine: Entries 353 to 391

**Chapter Nine: Entries 353-391 **

**Entry Three Hundred Fifty-three—**

THE MIDGET IS ALREADY DUELING?

Damn, he doesn't waste time, does he?

**Entry Three Hundred Fifty-four— **

…

I wonder if he's already screwed over Anzu. Heh. Who would be the **uke ****koi **in THAT relationship?

…

My bet's on Muto.

**Entry Three Hundred Fifty-five—**

"_That's illegal! That's illegal!" _

Okay, okay! Muto can be the seme then!

_"…__Seto__, I meant the fact that the guy dueling __Yugi__ isn't registered in our data base." _

…

OH.

**Entry Three Hundred Fifty-six—**

_"Mr. __Kaiba__, does that mean he HACKED?" _

HUH? WHO SAID THAT?

…

**WTF.**

I thought you were sitting over there! No, you are there! Wait, how can you be there and there—oh my God, you're over there too!

_WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE_?

**Entry Three Hundred Fifty-seven—**

"_Don't you know?"_

"_Yah.__ We're __lyke__ clone girls." _

Clone girls?

Shouldn't you be terrorizing Ned Flanders in The Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror XLVII or something?

**Entry Three Hundred Fifty-eight—**

Oh, RIGHT.

This is an ANIME.

My deepest apologies.

**Entry Three Hundred Fifty-nine—**

…

And now to answer your question: NO.

**HE. ****DID. NOT.**** HACK.**

The day Seto Kaiba is outsmarted is the day Wheeler loses his tacky Italian/New York/WHATEVERTHEHELLITS'SCALLED accent.

**Entry Three Hundred Sixty—**

So, it's not gonna happen. It's my bait, my **bait** to lure those Rare Hunters into showing me the true whereabouts of the God Cards!

_(insert__ insane cackling here) _

AHAHAHAHAHA…HA.

**Entry Three Hundred Sixty-one—**

"_He's dyed his cards with invisible ink!" _

…

Mokuba, if the ink is invisible…then how do you know he's dyed his cards with it?

"…"

**Entry Three Hundred Sixty-two—**

And the award for Oxymoron of the Year goes to young Mokuba Kaiba!

**Entry Three Hundred Sixty-three—**

"_We should kick out that guy for cheating, __Seto__!" _

What is this…déjà vu or something? Didn't we just go through this?

**Entry Three Hundred Sixty-four—**

"_Yeah, but that was in the last episode." _

…

DAMN YOU, 4KIDS.

**Entry Three Hundred Sixty-five—**

"_I'm Battle City Commissioner! It's my job to make sure all rules are enforced!" _

I'm your older brother! It's my job to tell you what to do and when to do it!

**Entry Three Hundred Sixty-six—**

That being said…

SHUT UP.

**Entry Three Hundred Sixty-seven—**

"_Yay__! Yugi__ won!" _

Um, excuse me, didn't you just hear my speech in Entry 365? You're supposed to be cheering for ME, twerp.

…

I feel so unloved.

**Entry Three Hundred Sixty-eight—**

Mini Rant: Speaking of being unloved, where the HELL is Ishizu?

**Entry Three Hundred Sixty-nine—**

_Technically, you won't be seeing her until Episode 93._

**93**? WTFH. And what episode are we on PRESENTLY?

_57._

_SHIT. _Why couldn't she appear on episode ah…69?

_Kaiba__, when did you become so perverted? _

Hey! Cybering gets boring, OKAY?

…

**Entry Three Hundred Seventy—**

By the way, who the Hell is talking to me?

_Like we've told you before, the voices in your head! _

Yes, but where do you voices come from?

_We'll never tell… _

FINE. End of discussion!

**Entry Three Hundred Seventy-one—**

So uh…what did I miss?

_"__Yugi__ won the duel, Mr. __Kaiba__." _

Oh. Pfft. DUH. That vertically challenged porcupine head wins EVERY duel. But there's one duel that he _won't_ win.

And that will be when he faces ME.

**Entry Three Hundred Seventy-two—**

…

Because I am KING, hear.me.roar.

…

No, seriously.

**Entry Three Hundred Seventy-three—**

Mokuba, I wanna go try out Obelisk on some lab rats—I mean duelists. Why don't you tag along?

…

After all, I need to use SOMEONE as a diversion for my fangirls.

_"…What did you just say, big brother?" _

Eh-heh. Uhm. Did I say diversion? I meant…to hold my briefcase!

"…"

Off we go!

**Entry Three Hundred Seventy-four—**

Hey, Mokuba! Go up to that duelist and flex your "authority" as Battle City Commissioner.

_"Sure thing, big bro!"_

Now, why can't Ishizu be that susceptible?

**Entry Three Hundred Seventy-five—**

…

Hey, asshole, did you just call my brother JUNIOR?

**Entry Three Hundred Seventy-six—**

Only **_I _**have the authority to publicly humiliate my little brother!

…

And you, my dear friend, are just _not_ Seto Kaiba.

**Entry Three Hundred Seventy-seven—**

Hey, Einstein, this is where you're supposed to COWER in FEAR before me.

**Entry Three Hundred Seventy-eight—**

…

Ah, perfect.

**Entry Three Hundred Seventy-nine—**

Now, let's settle this like REAL men, shall we?

Ichallengeyoutoachildren'scardgamethatshouldn'tevenbemadeforchildrenbecauseoftheobscenelyrevealingoutfitsandcrossdressingandoverlyattractivefictionalmonsterswithoutrageousattackanddefensepoints!

…

I mean, uh, duel!

**Entry Three Hundred Eighty—**

Dude, stop drooling over all my freaking cards. You know how much they cost me?

**Entry Three Hundred Eighty-one— **

WTFH.

So what if I'm rich? Money is still money!

**Entry Three Hundred Eighty-two—**

**DUEL START**.

_(insert__ cliché you're-__gonna__-get-your-ass-whooped music here) _

**Entry Three Hundred Eighty-three—**

And now I summon Obelisk the Tormentor!

"_You can't just summon Obelisk the first turn! You need to sacrifice three monsters first!"_

…Why?

_"Because those are the rules!__ You made them!" _

And since when have rules been applicable to me?

_"…"_

Thought so. Time to lose.

**Entry Three Hundred Eighty-four—**

w00t! Victory!

…

Did I just go "w00t" with two zeros and no capitalization?

…

MySpace n00bs are as good as **DEAD**.

**Entry Three Hundred Eighty-five—**

…

Okay, now that playtime's over, time to go find a _worthy_ opponent.

**Entry Three Hundred Eighty-six—**

Here, midget, midget, midget. I'll make you an Anzu hologram…

**Entry Three Hundred Eighty-seven—**

"_Seto! __Yugi's__ disappeared from the tournament surveillance system!" _

**WHATHEHELLAREYOUSERIOUS**?

**Entry Three Hundred Eighty-eight—**

And I invested in that top-notch surveillance system especially for **him**.

"…"

I'm guessing that didn't sound as well as I had initially hoped?

_"Um…well…it kind of made you sound like you were um…"_

Mokuba.

_"…Yeah?"_

What did you just say?

"_You're the greatest big brother in the world?" _

…

That's what I thought.

**Entry Three Hundred Eighty-nine—**

NEH.

We'll find the dwarf somehow.

**Entry Three Hundred Ninety—**

And when we do…

**I WILL RECLAIM MY RIGHTFUL TITLE AS NUMBER ONE DUELIST**.

**_Nya-hahaha_**

**Entry Three Hundred Ninety-one—**

_"…Uh, big brother, you're talking to yourself again." _

…

What.Ever.

* * *

_S__UMMERISHERELYKEOMG. Forgive me for the huge, unannounced hiatus, but we had those ridiculous little things called FINALS that sort of ate away at me. For other reasons why, please refer to my profile! Don't feel like it? Can't blame you. If you will, kindly leave a message, my dears. If you find any mistakes, please do not hesitate to let me know—because, well, there probably are some. _


	10. Chapter Ten: Entries 392 to 429

**Chapter Ten: Entries 392-429**

**Entry Three Hundred Ninety-two—**

**WHOA**.

Why do I feel like life just rushed past me?

_Because you haven't been in the anime for over five episodes._

…Thank you for informing me of that, disembodied voice in my head.

**Entry Three Hundred Ninety-three—**

WAIT! Um, in these episodes I have been ah…absent…Ishizuhasn'tappearedhasshe?

_No. _

_Yes, so stop asking, twit._

Why am I suddenly reminded of that unnaturally-voiced computer in Courage The Cowardly Dog?

**Entry Three Hundred Ninety-four—**

Stupid dog!…Note to self: Use that line on Wheeler the next time you see him.

**Entry Three Hundred Ninety-five—**

Speak of the Devil, there he is.

…

'Kay, let's do this.

_"Stupid dog!"_

_"…"_

Rofl. This is where you would snickerlaughchorttleguffawdie.

**Entry Three Hundred Ninety-six—**

…

WTFWHEELERHOWDIDYOUGETADUELDISK?

Damn it, that limey store owner must've screwed up. I'm going to go over there and flaunt my money in his face, thereby reminding him that—although I am half his age—I am far more superior in wealth than he will ever be!

…

As for you, Wheeler, go get a rabies shot or something. God knows you need one.

**Entry Three Hundred Ninety-seven:**

Yo, Mokuba, we're leaving. Time to go look for Dwarf-boy The Hero and beat him in a duel so I can stop bitching about being number one.

…

Which I _am_, of course, irregardless.

**Entry Three Hundred Ninety-eight—**

…

Is that woman wearing a pink tank top and ridiculously short…shorts…staring at _yours truly_?

…And she's on her phone, huh? I wonder if she's texting or taking a picture of me. This is stalking to a whole new level.

**Entry Four Ninety-nine—**

Don't look at her, Kaiba. Just keep moving.

…

You're way too damn sexy for her anyhow.

**Entry Four Hundred—**

MOKUBA.

Where the crap are you, you lackey?

_"…Right here, big bro!"_

Good little sla—I mean brother.

**Entry Four Hundred One—**

Christ, this is getting boring. I should've brought my freaking iPod or something. I could be watching some awesome dance moves courtesy of Adam Levine of Maroon 5!

_(insert laughing here)_

Heh. Do I look like **Gardner** to you people?

**Entry Four Hundred Two—**

And if you start quoting lines from "Makes Me Wonder," may God help me or I'll…

Well, you fill in the blank.

**Entry Four Hundred Three—**

…

Is Muto on his knees?

**Entry Four Hundred Four—**

Hey, loser, this isn't the time to be daydreaming about sick queer fantasies of you plus your Dark Magician!

**Entry Four Hundred Five—**

Huh? What's that… _He's losing a duel_? So that means he's not…

OH.

**AHEM**.

Let me retract my aforementioned statement.

**Entry Four Hundred Five _(The Corrected Version)_****—**

Muto, get off your knees! Defeat that nobody and get his freaking God Card.

I mean…_come _…

You're the protagonist. Without you there would be no show. No show means all those girls (and guys…depending on who/what you are) will lose their chance to see my amazingly good looks.

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO DENY THEM THAT GIFT?

**Entry Four Hundred Six—**

And plus, if the series go well, by the end I should not only possess:

Money.  
A trench coat in every color.  
_Money_.  
Sexiness (whoops! I already have that.)  
Money.  
The title of King of Games.  
**MONEY**…

I will HOPEFULLY have…_onemorething_!

…

Voice in my head, shut your goddamn mouth.

**Entry Four Hundred Seven—**

…

…

Wow, this is the lamest duel I've ever seen. Muto against a freakin' puppet? Please.

…

**Entry Four Hundred Eight—**

Hey, Mokuba, wake me up when the duel's over.

_"__Seto__, what are you doing?"_

What does it look like, kid? I'm trying to go to sleep with my eyes open. Now shut up and let me sl—

…Great, now the duel's over. Gah. I could really use some sleep though. Those repeated shots of espresso from Starbucks are starting to wear off.

**Entry Four Hundred Nine—**

Congrats, Muto. You defeated all the perilous odds stacked against you and beat a puppet. Now are you going to go after Miss Piggy (which is…y'know…Gardner) or have a duel with me so I can rid you of Slifer?

…

**WTFH**.

Did that mime/puppet/J-Rocklookingthingthatdoesn'tfitinwiththevibeoftheentireanime just TALK?

**Entry Four Hundred Ten—**

OH.

So the dude controlling the Rare Hunters is called Marik.

**Entry Four Hundred Eleven—**

You know what would be hilarious? If that Marik character was somehow related to Ishizu. That would so be **L.O.L.** worthy.

**Entry Four Hundred Twelve—**

So, Yugi's friends are going to get kidnapped for about the 487,654,289,813,305th time in this series?

Oh, yeah, that's sure original!

**Entry Four Hundred Thirteen—**

…

Two grown men…playing Rock, Paper, Scissors.

…

I feel like I'm in a cross between The Twilight Zone and a Michael Jackson music video.

**Entry Four Hundred Fourteen—**

Hey, Pegasus, this is your cue!

**Entry Four Hundred Fifteen—**

I don't give a rat's ass about who gets to duel the midget and me! I'll take _BOTH_ of you down!

**Entry Four Hundred Sixteen—**

Victory approximately 5.92 seconds later.

**Entry Four Hundred Seventeen—**

…

Holy shit. Did the vertically challenged King of Lame actually grab a guy twice his size by the collar?

**Entry Four Hundred Eighteen—**

How the shit does this happen in animes? Since when can midgets defy gravity?

…

**Entry Four Hundred Nineteen—**

Well, besides the starched hairdo complete with three colors and spikes in an attempt to pose an attractive punk/possible grunge-ish look.

**Entry Four Hundred Twenty—**

You know, If I "XDed," I'd insert about four hundred and seventy-one exclamations points after the above mentioned text face because of my last statement.

Muto can't pull off grunge, and if he did, I'd go gay.

…Yes, you just heard me.

**Entry Four Hundred Twenty-one—**

HEY! Locator cards!Come to papa…

…not to say I really _am_ a father, so don't take it the wrong way.

**DON'T**.

**Entry Four Hundred Twenty-two—**

Muto, let go of Marik's crony and let me take you down.

_"…"_

Oh, hell. That didn't come out like I hope it would.

**Entry Four Hundred Twenty-three—**

**I MEANT**…

Let me take you down in a DUEL, okay? Leave sexual implications out of this…

…._for once_!

**Entry Four Hundred Twenty-four—**

Listen, nothing is wrong with your friends. They'll probably just brainwash the hell out of whatever the hell's left of Wheeler's brain and rape Gardner to shut her up.

It's not bad.

**Entry Four Hundred Twenty-five—**

So now you're gonna death glare at me? I thought we already had this glaring contest…

InwhichIwon.

_"…That's about the first time you won anything against me, eh, __Kaiba__?"_

Heh. At least I don't use my jacket as a cape.

_"…"_

Ooh, did I strike a nerve?

**Entry Four Hundred Twenty-six—**

And now you're running off? Wow, you're more sensitive than I thought.

…

Hey, that's your signal to STOP, **turn around **and call me an obscenely insulting name in which I retaliate by…

_a. Beating the living stuffing out of you._

OR

_b.__ If this is a censored 4Kids episode, I challenge you to a cliché duel._

**Entry Four Hundred Twenty-seven—**

GAH!

For the sake of all that is sane and good, Mokuba, get the satellite to track down a mutt by the name of Joey Wheeler who is either trying to score with Valentine, or at the Vet because he had too much poisonous dog food from that one company which they recalled in the news a while back. Whoa, that was a long-as-hell run on sentence. Hope no one noticed.

_"You got it, __Seto__! And no, I don't anyone noticed. Plus, if they did, we could just get the clone girls!"_

It's so good to be in charge…of clone girls?

**Entry Four Hundred Twenty-eight—**

_"Thank you for that, __Kaiba__. Maybe I'll overlook the comment you made about my sense of fashion now…"_

I'd rather you wouldn't. Humiliating you is one of my life goals.

_"…It's good to know I play such an important part in your life."_

Why does this suddenly reek of something illegal?

**Entry Four Hundred Twenty-nine—**

Alright, my entourage! Time to head out!

I've got things to do, lives to ruin, money to make, ego to flaunt and sexiness to spread!

_"Don't you also have 'duels to lose?__'"_

No, but now that you mention it, Muto, I do have people to kill…

* * *

__

Leef a methage.

Translation: Leave a message. It's my attempt at text lisp.


	11. Chapter Eleven: Entries 430 to 471

****

Chapter Eleven: Entries 430-471

Entry Four Hundred Thirty—

"Sir, we've located Joey Wheeler."

Ah, what a crappy start to an even **_I-Am-Sensing-Using-My-Abilities-Which-Allow-Me-To-Distinguish-Crappiness _**crappier day.

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-one—

So, Muto, we know where your little minion is, but guess what? I'm not going to tell you…

_"And where is that, Kaiba?"_

…until you duel me. Will you listen, FOR ONCE? Hell, just because you're the main freaking character…

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-two—

Oh, so you're getting tired of my so-called "Duel me, duel me" speech?

…

Well, I'm getting a wee bit tired of hearing you bitch about your friends. You sound like Gardner on permanent PMS—which, if I may add, seems to be on an almost daily basis, considering how much she hates me.

…

Which, if I may also add, I am totally one hundred percent okay with.

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-three—

"Kaiba, why is it so hard for you to take 'no' as an answer? I'll duel you right after I secure the well-being of my friends."

Why, you ask? 

…

Because I'm rich, so I've got the power. The word **no** isn't in my dictionary.

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-four—

Unless when it's about having sex with Pegasus or something, you know? That's when I draw the line.

But that, of course, is a journey for another day.

…

AjourneythatIdon'tparticularlywanttomake.

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-five—

Okay, here is where Wheeler is supposed to be. Happy?

"I don't see him."

You're never satisfied, are you? 

**Entry Four Hundred Thirty-six—**

Listen, if you think something's wrong with **_MY_** satellite system, you're tripping.

Rly. Srsly.

"…"

STFU! 

**Entry Four Hundred Thirty-seven—**

(insert throat clearing here)

Ahem… 

Let's pretend that ordeal never happened, shall we?

"Agreed."

…

Yeah, that'll DEFINITELY be edited out in the dub.

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-eight—

As I was saying, your friends are around here.

Somewhere.

Someplace.

Wherever.

…

Just take a look around, damn it.

**Entry Four Hundred Thirty-nine—**

OH GOOD.

The attention hog, left. I hope _he_ gets kidnapped.

Entry Four Hundred Forty—

While I wait for possible cries of distress from Muto so I can point and laugh, I'm just going to casually lean against this pole.

Entry Four Hundred Forty-one—

WAIT. 

WTFMFH?  
(That's a mouthful.)

I shouldn't be leaning against this pole! It looks far too suggestive!

Entry Four Hundred Forty-two—

Especially with, you know, these leather pants.

…

'Makes me look like a boy toy.

…

Only Davey Havok can pull this off!

Entry Four Hundred Forty-three—

Omfg. This reminds me of those fan fictions where _I_ am always the friggin' **uke koi**. I mean ME, Seto Kaiba, the pinnacle of manliness, the UKE KOI?

See, this is why I object to those ridiculous yaoi pairings that pair me up with like…Pegasus, that British kid Bakura's **dark side**, Pegasus…did I mention Pegasus?—

"…Kaiba, just who are you talking to?"

Oh, yeah, this bitch here, too. And he's like half my size! 

…

In more than one way, if you catch my drift.

Entry Four Hundred Forty-four—

_"Erm, Kaiba—?"_

Don't get me WRONG, though. It's not like I support the pairings when I'm the flipping **seme**, either.

It's just…come on!

**_WHY ME_**?

**Entry Four Hundred Forty-five—**

By the way, that question isn't open for answering.

Sorry, girls/boys.

Entry Four Hundred Forty-six—

"Kaiba!"

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? 

_"…I couldn't find my friends."_

What do I look like, _The Infamous Genie _from **Agrabah** or something?

Entry Four Hundred Forty-seven—

"No, but this just proves your satellite system…sucks."

… 

And this is where I pull off the trench coat and beat the living shit out of this mutated porcupine.

Hell yeah, bitch. Hell yeah.

Entry Four Hundred Forty-eight—

Snicker.

Heh. What's with the midget? He's shorter than Muto.

Entry Four Hundred Forty-nine—

Holy CRAP, did he just do this mega twirl/spin thing on the pole?

…

Why wasn't **_HE_** born female?

…

**Off-Subject Note: **No offense was to be meant by that. If it did offend, please except my sincerest apologies, and note that you will be getting a card in the mail with an autographed, photo-copied picture of yours truly.

Entry Four Hundred Fifty—

…

What's with all this WIND?

This isn't some cheap, crappy, crappy-ass music video! I was on the verge of putting the King of Games here out of his misery permanently until this miniature male pole dancer did some flashy move and landed in front of us!

**Entry Four Hundred Fifty-one—  
**  
…

…

…

MOKUBA?

…

…

Oh, for the love of hell, did you get kidnapped AGAIN?

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-two—

"Big brother, save me!"

I'm getting _reeeally_ tired of saving you, but for the sake of doing what big brother's do best:

Unhand my brother, fool, or I'll crush you with the entire weight of the Kaiba Corporation!

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-three—

"Pfft. Why don't you just crush him with your over-inflated ego?"

Screw off, Muto. You're just glad that I didn't get a chance to beat you to a pulp. 

Next time you _won't_ be so lucky.

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-four—

…

So now I've gotta team up with my archrival to defeat these so-called Rare Hunters that have been dispatched via some psychopath named Marik to get my brother back?

…

Wow, this isn't predictable or unsurprising in the slightest.

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-five—

Enough with the empty threats, Yugi. FYI, they **aren't** intimidating.

_"And I suppose yours are?" _

'Course they are. I've got money to back 'em up. 

_"…"_

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-six—

OKAY, so we're here, on the glass roof of some skyscraper where we're completely at the mercy of these Rare Hunters.  
…

This was such an obvious trap.

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-seven—

I demand that you hand over the hostages!

_"Like hell we will." _

"Yeah, you'll have to duel us." 

Damn.

"Kaiba, did you actually believe that was going to work?"

Listen, cliché plot lines call for cliché measures, Muto.

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-eight—

"I am Lumis."

"And I am Umbra."

Right. 

I am Seto Kaiba, and this midget standing on my right is called Yugi Muto. Enough with the small talk.

**Entry Four Hundred Fifty-nine—**

"These are the same men that we dueled before!"

**"…we dueled before?" **

Isn't something wrong with your choice of words there, dude? Sorry to burst your bubble, but **I** was the one that dueled them…

…**_andcrushedthemwithObelisk_**.

**Entry Four Hundred Sixty—**

And by the way:

WHO CARES.

**Entry Four Hundred Sixty-one—**

"You should _care, Kaiba."_

Oh?

…

I suppose if I don't ask why, they're going to go on and tirade about why I should care even though I don't give a flying crap. So, might as well play along and keep Dumb and Dumber-er happy, right?

**Entry Four Hundred Sixty-two—**

SO, with that in mind…

Why should I care, oh Rare Hunters?

_"This is going to be amusing." _

For once, Muto, I agree with you.

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-three—

Let me see if I can get the gist of what you're saying:

What we're actually standing on is not a roof, it's a fifty-story light shaft that reaches the ground_—_

"No, not exactly."

Then what the hell was it that you were bitching about like…2.58 seconds ago? 

_"Well, if you would just let us finish…" _

Gladly, if you would just **GET TO THE POINT**.  


Entry Four Hundred Sixty-four— 

Oh.

…

So this isn't a light shaft at all. If someone's life points reach zero, the explosive glass beneath the player will shatter, thus sending him plummeting down a vortex into the dreaded "Shadow Realm."

…

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-five—

In other words…

The usual crap, huh? Couldn't have gotten any more original? How about beheading us, putting our heads on a tree stump or somewhere else…woodsy…and then eating out our lifeless cheeks as they slowly grow more and more pale?

_"…Kaiba, are you…well?"_

Yes, Muto, I'm fine. I just watched Hannibal Rising last night, and well…you piece together the rest.

…

Emphasis on _piece_.

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-six—

No, I really don't care if that was a lame punch line. Can't you tell by the expressionlessnessism on my face?

"You really need to get another facial expression."

Why dispose of something that works so well?

**Entry Four Hundred Sixty-seven—**

…

So, in essence, my life, the life of my brother AND my God Card are at stake?

That gives me all the more incentive to win. No one touches my God Card.

**_NO ONE_**.

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-eight—

"Don't you mean the life of your brother?"

—Huh?

Oh.

Him, too!

"…"

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-nine—  
  
It's been only one turn and already Thelma & Louise have a monster on the field that has 2600 attack points? 

…

But ha, they have to give up 1000 life points each turn—

…

Masked Doll? That card cancels out the cost of using the deformed mask thingy?

…

Oh, but Muto loses 500 life points?

…

Woo-hoo!

**Entry Four Hundred Seventy—**

"Kaiba, you do realize that me losing 500 life points also affects you, right?"

Why does it affect me? My life points are safe, sucker! 

_"Because this duel is two-on-two, you and I must work together and play off one another's strengths!" _

If you weren't paying attention, the last time we dueled these bozos, I mopped the floor with 'em. 

And I can do it again.

Entry Four Hundred Seventy-one—  


"Keep in mind that **I** am the King of Games. Without me—"

What the hell are you bitching about? Aren't you supposed to be goody-goody two shoes because you were some alleged "pharaoh" in the past? What ever happened to chivalry and modesty? 

Watch, the dub is gonna replace all that—replace that **entire statement**—with some stuff about the "fate of the world" depending upon his victory in this duel, and that he and I "have to work together."

…

How susceptible do they think we are?

* * *

weiveraevael!

Leaveareview!

(And three cheers to Davey and his tight pants. He rocks my polka-dotted socks off.)


	12. Chapter Twelve: Entries 472 to 517

****

Chapter Twelve: Entries 472-517

Entry Four Hundred Seventy-two—

Thank you for tuning into Duel TV!

Today we have a spectacular show for you, courtesy of yours truly, Seto Kaiba, who will be giving you the play-by-play thus far.

****

Entry Four Hundred Seventy-three—

Please, I ask that you control your fangirling. I understand that I'm whoamg!hot, but—

__

"Kaiba! This is not the time!"

Why must you be so crude, oh midget of wonder?

****

Entry Four Hundred Seventy-four—

Ah! Now I remember! It is because you are losing 500 life points...no, what is it, 1000 already? No, 500...

…

Screw this. I hate the dub. It's pissing me off.

****

Entry Four Hundred Seventy-five—

Times like this I wish Duel TV really DID exist, y'know?

****

Entry Four Hundred Seventy-six—

Basically, as a brief mental monologue recap, Louise…I mean Lumis…I mean Louise is total pwning Yugi and he's getting super pissy.

…

Now you know how it **FEELS**, loser!

**Entry Four Hundred Seventy-seven—**

Dude, really, how long does it take to make a freaking move? It's not so hard. You just take the card, place it onto your highly advance duel disk, watch the pretty hologram pop up…

Even WHEELER isn't **that** slow.

****

Entry Four Hundred Seventy-eight—

And that's quite shocking, to say the very least, considering his…

__

"Kaiba. It's your turn."

Yay! Finally! Time to kick some serious arse.

****

Entry Four Hundred Seventy-nine—

__

"Watch what you do, Lumis and Umbra may be up to something."

No shit, Sherlock.

Next time, tell me something that I don't know.

****

Entry Four Hundred Eighty—

Time to summon an amazingly powerful monster and blast away these two masked Jason-wannabes into the next cliché horror film.

Vorse Raider, you were awesome…but now you're completely worthless and I am therefore going to sacrifice you.

M'kay?

M'kay.

****

Entry Four Hundred Eighty-one—

__

"…Kaiba, you can't sacrifice any powerful monsters. You and I can't."

WTMFH?

WHY THE HELL NOT?

_"Because, had you been paying the slightest attention and not practicing your obscene narrating skills, you would have realized that they activated a trap, Mask of Restrict, that prevents us from sacrificing monsters…and thus prevents us from summoning high level monsters." _

Run-on sentence, much?

****

Entry Four Hundred Eighty-two—

Damn it, Muto, this is all YOUR fault.

__

"How is this ordeal my fault, Kaiba?"

If I hadn't been helping you look for blondie, then Mokuba wouldn't have been captured. Therefore, I would not have been forced to partake in this meaningless farce of a duel, and would not have been unable to summon high level monsters because I wouldn't be partaking in this duel in the first place. More so, if we lose, then I'm going to die.

Oh yes, Muto, this is all your fault.

**Entry Four Hundred Eighty-three—**

The death of Seto Kaiba will be all your fault, little man!

All. Your. Fault.

Prepare to get attacked by the spirits of rabid fangirls while you burn in…

…

Oh, crap. That Shining Ass…I mean…

…Shining Abyss thing…

…ISCOMINGRIGHTFORME.

****

Entry Four Hundred Eighty-four—

Time to activate a magic card.

Ring of Defense, save me from losing my monster do to the sucking abilities of his Shining Ass!

__

"…Kaiba, that monster doesn't even 'suck.' And it's called Shining Abyss. You had it correct the second time around. Get your mind out of the gutter— if that's even possible."

At least I don't have to share the body of a kid with gravity-defying hair, you weirdo. Do you know how wrong that sounds? It sounds beyond wrong. Really.

__

"…"

… Burn.

****

Entry Four Hundred Eighty-five—

Oh, flipping hell.

So, I suppose pulling a sly move like countering some magic/trap card with another magic/trap card doesn't always work. Okay, here goes 1900 of my life points.

Oh joy.

****

Entry Four Hundred Eighty-six—

Well, there's always next time, I suppose.

__

"Kaiba, there is no next time."

¿Qué? What do you mean?

_"Umbra is about to attack you directly! You can't afford another frontal assault on your life points! In other words, Kaiba, you're about to lose." _

…

****

Entry Four Hundred Eighty-seven—

(insert dramatic screaming here)

**NOOOOOOOOOO!**

**Entry Four Hundred Eighty-eight—**

What a way to die.

I didn't even get a chance to stalk Ish—

… … … … …

****

Entry Four Hundred Eighty-nine—

…

Why am I being blocked by a bajillion amazingly hairy, amazingly tiny balls that go "mew?"

Last times I checked, balls do not make noise.

They do…other things.

****

Entry Four Hundred Ninety—

Other more _useful _things.

****

Entry Four Hundred Ninety-one—

Alright, time to get into character.

_"Yugi, why the hell did you send your army of balls to help protect me? I could do it myself, you glory-claiming know-it-all!"_

"Realize, Kaiba, that if I hadn't saved you, you'd be falling into a vortex that leads you straight to the Shadow Realm. You should be thanking me!"

_"Thanking you? Pfft, you're an ingrate."_

_"If you ever want to see your brother again, we have to duel as a team!"_

_"Are you questioning my skills as a duelist, Muto?"_

_"I'm questioning why you continue to be a pompous, egotistical jackass!"_

_…_

****

Entry Four Hundred Ninety-two—

_"…That's a total slap in the face, Kaiba."_

_"Yeah, especially because it's pretty true."_

STAYOUTOFTHISTHEMLA&LOUISE.

****

Entry Four Hundred Ninety-three—

_"I protected you, Kaiba. If you don't do the same for me, then I might not be able to do it again."_

_"Good riddance. Screw you and your warped sense of gallantry."_

****

Entry Four Hundred Ninety-four—

Now, while Muto and I have another glare-a-thon, let's draw a card…

****

Entry Four Hundred Ninety-five—

HELL YEAH, FTW!

Blue Eyes White Dragon!

wewt!

****

Entry Four Hundred Ninety-six—

Too bad you can't summon it.

Shut up, voice in my head.

Shut up. Just shut up.

****

Entry Four Hundred Ninety-seven—

…

HA! Yugi's at 2500 life points and open for a direct attack.

Mwahahaha.

****

Entry Four Hundred Ninety-eight—

That's it. Muto's indecisiveness is pissing me off.

Really, loser, what the crap are you waiting for? You already screwed with this duel enough, so just get on with it…

****

Entry Four Hundred Ninety-nine—

…and since I am obscenely rich and extraordinarily hot, I have the power to discern that the card you're hesitating over like a little bitch is Card Destruction.

SO, I'm gonna cleverly hint something that should be obvious to anyone but Thelma & Louise because they are comic-relief, wannabe villains.

****

Entry Five Hundred—

Smirk-smile.

_"The cards I'm holding are absolutely useless, Yugi, so make your move…"_

****

Entry Five Hundred One—

Is it me, or did I make that sound/look overly suggestive? I have got to lay off the whole sex-drive attitude.

But it just fits me **so well.**

****

Entry Five Hundred Two—

****

YES!

Muto's about to lose all his life points! This is a dream come true!

_You can't win without him. He's the protagonist. You're just…the good guy in denial because you think being a villain with a screw-off attitude is appealing._

…

Your point?

**Entry Five Hundred Three—**

_Okay, let's try this again: Hey, Kaiba, if Yugi loses this duel, then so will you! Kiss your chances at ever having a chance with Ishizu—slim as those they already are—g'bye!_

**Entry Five Hundred Four—**

…

Yugi, you need a hand there, pal?

****

Entry Five Hundred Five—

Lyke.

Vorse Raider, go defend Yugi.

Lyke.

**Entry Five Hundred Six—**

_"Did…did you just save Yugi's life points?"_

_"How dare you! That's cheating!"_

No, it isn't. This is a double duel, remember?

Live with it.

****

Entry Five Hundred Seven—

…

Or better yet: just roll over and die. You two are contributing to global warming!

**Damned heathens! **

**Entry Five Hundred Eight—**

_"…Really though, thanks for saving me, Kaiba. I'm thrilled."_

Save being thrilled for your Dark Magician. I bet he'd love it.

****

Entry Five Hundred Nine—

I wonder if he ever wishes the Dark Magician wasn't a hologram. Hey, maybe I can talk him into forfeiting his title as King of Games if I get some stooge to undergo plastic surgery and don the appearance of the Dark Magician…

**Entry Five Hundred Ten—**

_"Kaiba, you're a fool—"_

Okay, okay. Maybe the idea could use a little work.

_"—for saving Yugi. It caused you to lose your only defense monster!"_

…

****

Entry Five Hundred Eleven—

Now YOU'RE criticizing my dueling skills?

…

You two prats obviously have a death wish.

****

Entry Five Hundred Twelve—

Yes.

I just said PRATS.

**Entry Five Hundred Thirteen—**

_"We're going to move in for the kill!"_

(We apparently have some 30 Seconds To Mars fans. Geez. Didn't I make a 30 Seconds To Mars reference before? Must be because I'm so patiently awaiting for the video release of A Beautiful Lie.)

…

(I'm…gonna cut this monologue short. I'm scaring myself.)

…

(What do you mean it already came out?!)

****

Entry Five Hundred Fourteen—

Yugi, you mindless puppet, activate your trap card already!

_"I activate my trap card!"_

What wonderful timing. Thanks for joining the party. Would you like a croissant?

****

Entry Five Hundred Fifteen—

Time for my flashy, kickass finale!

****

Entry Five Hundred Sixteen—

And now I reveal my face-down card, Monster Reborn, to summon my Blue Eyes White Dragon!

_"…"_

In other words, yeah, you two are about to suffer some major PWNAGE.

****

Entry Five Hundred Seventeen—

These are the repercussions for putting me in a duel against my will and kidnapping my little brother…

…but mostly for putting me in a duel against my will.

…

Don't tell Mokuba I said that.

_

* * *

_

_Isn't Kaiba such a darling older brother? Review, por favor._

_And forgive me for not having upated for so long._


	13. Chapter Thirteen: Entries 518 to 581

****

Chapter Thirteen: Entries 518-581

****

Entry Five Hundred Eighteen—

"You're no match for the combined strength of our decks, Lumis and Umbra!"

…

(insert hysteric laughing here)

Oh _dear_, oh _me_, oh _my_. I thought I just heard you say **combined** strength. That's really—

****

Entry Five Hundred Nineteen—

…

What do you mean I heard you correct? Is that obscenely ridiculous hairstyle somehow altering your vision, you pint-sized wannabe J-rocker?

My. Blue. Eyes. Is. On. The. Field. And. Not. Yours. Because. You. Don't. Have. A. Blue. Eyes. You. Ghey. Little. Prick.

****

Entry Five Hundred Twenty—

And just for more emphasis:

**MY.** **BLUE.** **EYES.** **IS. ON. THE. FIELD.**

****

MINE!

****

Entry Five Hundred Twenty-one—

This teamwork shit of yours is getting really old, dude. Lay off it.

****

Entry Five Hundred Twenty-two—

Heh. Screw your friends. Seriously. Screw 'em HARD. I'm doing this to flaunt my ego, avoid an early death, flaunt my ego…

__

"Did you forget rescuing your brother?"

…flaunt my ego.

Huh? Oh. Yeah. That, too.

**Entry Five Hundred Twenty-three—**

__

"Kaiba, attack with your Blue Eyes!"

You gotta be shitting me. Can't you even do the math?

**Entry Five Hundred Twenty-four—**

Ultra Pretty Shiny Blue Eyes White Dragon: 3,000 attack points.

Weird Masked Beast Thing That Looks Like It Was Some Rejected Design For Firenze From Harry Potter: 3,200 attack points.

I'm sensing a bit of a dilemma, are you?

****

Entry Five Hundred Twenty-five—

FINE.

I'll attack, damn it.

****

Entry Five Hundred Twenty-six—

ButI'mnotdoingitbecauseyoutoldmeto.

…

It'sbecauseIfeellikeit.

****

Entry Five Hundred Twenty-seven—

WHOAMGMEGAPWNZRZ.

My Blue Eyes actually defeated that…whatever-it-was?

**Entry Five Hundred Twenty-eight—**

_H_ to the _E_ to the _L_ to the _L_ to the _YEAH_!

**Entry Five Hundred Twenty-nine—**

That's how we crank that shit in hizzle, yo, you feel me?

…

No? Good. Because I have no idea wtf I just said anyway.

****

Entry Five Hundred Thirty—

…

Son of a bitch! Stop taking all the f-ing glory for the work that my Blue Eyes did!

__

"Your Blue Eyes would have lost if it wasn't for my Beast of Gilfor."

…

****

Entry Five Hundred Thirty-one—

Do you want to take this outside, bitch?

__

"We're already outside."

…

Your mom's outside.

__

"…"

****

Entry Five Hundred Thirty-two—

Exactly.

****

Entry Five Hundred Thirty-three—

SAVE ME PLZ.

HE JUST SUMMONED A DOLL WITH 1600 ATTACK POINTS PLZ.

**__**

OH NOES PLZ.

Entry Five Hundred Thirty-four—

For those of you lame brains that didn't catch onto the obvious scorn and sarcasm, I wasn't being serious.

Why would _I_ say "plz?"

Rly. Srsly.

****

Entry Five Hundred Thirty-five—

You didn't just hear…

…see…

…read…

…that!

M'kay? ktxhbai.

****

Entry Five Hundred Thirty-six—

…

Moving on…

****

Entry Five Hundred Thirty-seven —

_EWW!_

What is that ugly mask you just put on my beautifulmegaultrapretty Blue Eyes White Dragon?

__

"It's called Mask of Weakness."

No shit, chocolate chip. I wasn't being literal.

****

Entry Five Hundred Thirty-eight—

But I digress, why is it that every trap card in your deck is titled "Mask of (insert adjective here)?"

****

Entry Five Hundred Thirty-nine—

Do you have a Mask of Tallness?

Muto there needs it.

****

Entry Five Hundred Forty—

Better yet, he needs a Mask of Comingoutness.

****

Entry Five Hundred Forty-one—

C'mon! Sing it with me!

_I'm coming out. I want the world to know! Got to let it show!_

…

Thank ye, Lord, for Diana Ross.

****

Entry Five Hundred Forty-two—

Yay for clichés!

It's a Mask of Brutality!

****

Entry Five Hundred Forty-three—

…

Muto just summoned a barely clothed fairy thing.

****

Entry Five Hundred Forty-four—

I bet in the original dub, the fairy was completely naked.

…

****

Entry Five Hundred Forty-five—

Why couldn't they have just kept it that way?

****

Entry Five Hundred Forty-six—

__

Growl!Roar!Snarl!

The porcupine-head just helped me again, damn it!

****

Entry Five Hundred Forty-seven—

I guess I have no other choice but to give into his absurd teamwork jargon, use him for my own gain, and then dispose of him later like a wet paper towel and take all the glory for winning the duel and rescuing everyone like a hero is supposed to do.

…

Even though I'm the anti-hero.

****

Entry Five Hundred Forty-eight—

Yeah!

I'm lovin' that title.

****

Entry Five Hundred Forty-nine—

And now to direct attack Umbrella here with my Blue Eyes.

NYAH.

Derisive nicknames, FTW.

****

Entry Five Hundred Fifty—

Don't look now.

It's a Mask of Impregnability.

****

Entry Five Hundred Fifty-one—

I think all girls should have that, don't you? It would make fu—

__

"Kaiba, that was a hasty move."

_"Why didn't you tell me that BEFORE I attacked with my Blue Eyes?"_

_"Would you have listened?" _

…

That's a valid point.

****

Entry Five Hundred Fifty-two—

Just don't tell him I said that.

****

Entry Five Hundred Fifty-three—

Oh yeah.

Time to turn on the power of my signature smirk and conceited attitude!

****

Entry Five Hundred Fifty-four—

_"Lumis, what do you think would have happened had I chosen to attack you instead of Umbra? Would Umbra have protected you with his magic card? That's the danger of counting on others to protect you because there's only one person that you can trust—and that's yourself."_

…

****

SCORE.

Entry Five Hundred Fifty-five—

Man, am I good or what? I just ruined their teamwork strategy, redeemed my character, and made the viewers at home freak out because I looked so amazingly hot while saying all that.

…

Take that, Light Yagami!

****

Entry Five Hundred Fifty-six—

…

(insert coughing here)

Whoops.

****

Entry Five Hundred Fifty-seven—

You…weren't supposed to hear that.

****

Entry Five Hundred Fifty-eight—

So forget it! I command you to forget it!

…

I do not have an inferiority complex towards Light Yagami, if that's what you're thinking! It's not true! Who cares about a magical notebook that kills people by cardiac arrest!

…

****

Entry Five Hundred Fifty-nine—

…

Muto's smiling at me.

****

Entry Five Hundred Sixty—

This is getting _reeeeeeeally_ uncomfortable **_reeeeeeeally_** fast.

****

Entry Five Hundred Sixty-one—

Umbrella (_ela, ela_) seems to be getting rather pissy, for lack of a better term. I guess we can relate that to the fact Louise just switched hands with him.

…

Yes, I just quoted a Rihanna song.

****

Entry Five Hundred Sixty-two—

When in doubt, blame Gardner!

****

Entry Five Hundred Sixty-three—

Well, this is a startling revelation.

I never saw "Masked Beast Des Guardius" coming along.

****

Entry Five Hundred Sixty-four—

3,300 attack points?

…

We're so dead.

****

Entry Five Hundred Sixty-five—

I can't believe I'm about to say this…

_"You're attacking my partner instead of me? You're coward—you're afraid of my Blue Eyes White Dragon."_

****

Entry Five Hundred Sixty-six—

Meh.

There goes my Blue Eyes.

(sniffle sniffle)

Muto, you better not make me regret saving your lazy ass!

****

Entry Five Hundred Sixty-seven—

_"Calm down, Kaiba. You have to duel intelligently and trust your deck."_

…

Why don't you just go and get yourself laid, you little pansy?

****

Entry Five Hundred Sixty-eight—

Major piss-offage. Now.

****

Entry Five Hundred Sixty-nine—

The only way we can win is if I summon my fabulous God Card—

…

Did I just use the term FABULOUS?

…

This is all your fault, Pegasus.

****

Entry Five Hundred Seventy—

Hey! I have Soul Exchange in my hand! What a convenient time for me to notice this even more convenient card!

****

Entry Five Hundred Seventy-one—

This means I can summon Obelisk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

****

Entry Five Hundred Seventy-two—

…

No Music To Duel By references, please.

I already referenced it once way back when in one of the older chapters.

****

Entry Five Hundred Seventy-three—

Now my only problem is whether Muto's gonna be willing to give up one of his beloved monsters.

…

Decisions, decisions.

****

Entry Five Hundred Seventy-four—

Oh, **F** this!

I gave up one of my all-powerful monsters for him, so this automatically entitles him to do the same with one of his worthless monsters for me.

****

Entry Five Hundred Seventy-five—

_"Yugi, we can win."_

_"Glad to see you've finally came to your senses."_

I haven't, really. I just wanted to say something that would rally you on and sound cool without being ghey at the same time.

****

Entry Five Hundred Seventy-six—

Now attack, damn you!

****

Entry Five Hundred Seventy-seven—

…

And what's with this smiling again?

Stop smiling!

****

Entry Five Hundred Seventy-eight—

And stop undressing me with your eyes!

****

Entry Five Hundred Seventy-nine—

_"Where did that come from? Who ever said I was undressing you?"_

_"Oh, sorry, should I have said mentally raping? Or do you just save that for Gardner?—or better yet, your Dark Magician?"_

_"…"_

Just what I thought.

****

Entry Five Hundred Eighty—

_"I'll get you for that, Kaiba."_

Keep telling yourself that, dude.

****

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-one—

And remember:

_I'm coming out!_

* * *

_Lol for random Death Note references. Keep your eyes peeled for those._

_I think._

_Reviews are loved, as usual!_


	14. Chapter Fourteen: Entries 582 to 630

**Chapter Fourteen: Entries 582-630**

**Entry Five Hundred Eighty-two—**

_ya, i noe so i told jenna i told her dat hes mai man & not hers bt she gt al BF on me & was lyke o no u dint! & sos i tell her o ya i did! bt den nikki came out al lyke—_

_"Kaiba, it's your turn."_

Oh. Yeah.

****

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-three—

Give me a moment as I tune out of my highly developed sixth sense (AKA, **megasuperultreasensitivehearing**), will you?

__

"Ishizu's the only one with a sixth sense."

**HELL YEAH**.

And she can definitely work it, too.

****

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-four—

__

"…I'm not going to ask."

Good, because I really wish you wouldn't.

****

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-five—

Alright. Time to summon Obelisk…

…or as the bizarre subtitles like to call it, "Giant of the Square-Tip Tower!"

****

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-six—

I'm guessing no one got that?

You all **SUCK**.

****

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-seven—

Watch me as I extend my hand in a pompous gesture of widely established but rarely followed authority!

And I'll throw in a smirk, too. Those always express **MEGA PWNZ0RZ 4 U**.

****

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-eight—

Umbra, you're going down first because I don't like midgets.

****

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-nine—

Yes, Muto, that _was_ meant to be offensive.

__

"Then let's magically pretend I took it offensively."

…

****

Entry Five Hundred Ninety—

I challenge you to a stare-down of epic proportions!

__

"We've got better things to do than engage in such immature tactics."

****

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-one—

Oh THAT'S it!

Now I know what's wrong with you!

You're PMSing, aren't you? You should've told me! I would've gotten you some Midol.

__

"…"

****

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-two—

Back to reality (that was not an Eminem reference).

**DA-YUM**.

There goes Umbra!

****

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-three—

_"Kaiba, Umbra is the tall one. Lumis is the shorter one."_

_**SHIT**_!

I attacked the wrong idiot!

****

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-four—

Why didn't you tell me I attacked the wrong guy?

__

"How could I? You were too busy challenging me to an absurd stare-down, not to mention assuming I had mood swings and menstrual cramps."

Um…hello?

You could have interrupted me.

****

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-five—

__

"Yes, I could have."

**F** you, man.

**F** you **HARD**.

**Entry Five Hundred Ninety-six—**

I hope the Dark Magician gets his scepter stuck in your—

__

Stop arguing and get back to the duel.

Just who the hell ARE you, anyway?

_Like we said before: we're not inclined to tell_.

**Entry Five Hundred Ninety-seven—**

**UGH**.

Fine.

****

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-eight—

Wow.

That is some major glass shatter-age.

****

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-nine—

I wonder if Umbra is still down there?—or if all the glass cut him up into a bajillion pieces.

Time for you to join him, Lumis.

Any last words? No? Good.

****

Entry Six Hundred—

__

"Surrender, Lumis!"

Like **HELL** he's surrendering!

Time for some major ass kick—

…

****

Entry Six Hundred One—

__

"Hello, Pharaoh. Kaiba. My Rare Hunters have done their job!"

Louise just went off the deep end!

Everyone **RUN**!

__

"No, Kaiba. Loui—Lumis is under the control of Marik!"

Oh. Is that all?

****

Entry Six Hundred Two—

__

"You don't care, do you?"

I'm going to pretend that I care. Is that sufficient?

****

Entry Six Hundred Three—

__

"Just because you've won the duel doesn't mean you're going to get your friends and family back anytime soon…"

Gee, like that's a surprise. All cliché villains do that.

WHYDON'TYOUGETSOMEORIGINALITY?

****

Entry Six Hundred Four—

__

"…I've been carefully examining your decks. Obelisk pales in comparison to my God Card, Ra. I'll win it from you soon enough, Kaiba, along with Slifer and Yugi's Millenium Puzzle."

Might I make a suggestion? Team up with Jack Sparrow.

That way you can pillage and actually have a chance at succeeding.

****

Entry Six Hundred Five—

__

"I have the perfect plan to bring about your downfall, Little Yugi. I'm going to use your friends against you."

"Leave my friends alone, Marik!"

As if saying that in an enraged fury is going to actually make him leave them alone. Why do protagonists always insist on telling their antagonists to leave their loved ones alone when they know full well that it isn't going to work? The naiveté never fails to baffle and amuse me.

__

"They're safe and sound, but they're not on your side anymore."

****

Entry Six Hundred Six—

__

"You're a coward, Marik! Why don't you just come out and face me?"

"But controlling is so much more fun."

Heh. This guy's style isn't half bad—

__

"Kaiba, don't think I've forgotten about you. I have your little brother also."

…

****

Entry Six Hundred Seven—

I'd like to retract my prior statement.

****

Entry Six Hundred Eight—

(insert badass Lumis grabbing and throttling, along with fierce threatening minus any swear words because this is censored…and demanding the release of Mokuba dramatically)

****

Entry Six Hundred Nine—

__

"Kaiba, stop! This is a waste of energy! Marik obviously has no intention of keeping his promise!"

I don't give a rat's ass if your friends are screwed, but when you mess with the Kaibas, you're asking for some seriously deep shit.

****

Entry Six Hundred Ten—

Damn it.

Now the mind control crap disappeared. Time to drop Lumis like a brick.

****

Entry Six Hundred Eleven—

Take that, you ineffectual piece of trash!

****

Entry Six Hundred Twelve—

Now time to go kick some major arse and rescue my brother!

****

Entry Six Hundred Thirteen—

…butfirstwhydon'twetaketheselovelylocatorcards?

Here, Muto. One for me and one for you.

This makes us both eligible for the Battle City Tournament. How great is that?

__

"…"

What?

__

"How can you even think about the tournament at a time like this? We have to find my friends and your brother!"

****

Entry Six Hundred Fourteen—

I'm an asshole, remember? I can legitimately get away with these things and have fangirls at the end of the day. My incredible hawtness makes my self-righteous attitude seem like a minor character flaw. That's why so many people find me irresistibly attractive.

__

"…"

Don't say anything. You'll just ruin the moment.

****

Entry Six Hundred Fifteen—

BLAH!

Why is there suddenly so much wind? Stupid unpredictable weather! You're going to mess up my bangs!

**DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES FOR ME TO STRAIGHTEN THEM**?

****

Entry Six Hundred Sixteen—

_"Big brother, I hate to break it to you, but they're always kinda dented."_

WTF?

MOKUBA?

****

Entry Six Hundred Seventeen—

__

"What's up, big brother?"

How the hell did you get here? I thought you were brainwashed!

_"Téa helped me escape so I could come and get you guys!"_

****

Entry Six Hundred Eighteen—

…

…

…

…

****

Entry Six Hundred Nineteen—

****

GARDNER WAS ACTUALLY EFFCTUAL?

****

Entry Six Hundred Twenty—

More importantly:

_**SHE DID SOMETHING BESIDES SAY A FRIENDSHIP SPEECH?**_

This is one plot twist even _I_ didn't count on.

**Entry Six Hundred Twenty-one—**

Okay, Muto, much as I hate to help you, I hate being indebted to people more.

SO…

Let's go save the mutt and your bitch.

**Entry Six Hundred Twenty-two—**

__

"I would appreciate it if you called them by their names instead of those vulgar nicknames."

**Fine**.

Yugi, let us go and valiantly rescue your companions Mister Joseph Wheeler and Miss Téa Gardner swiftly and carefully! It is of the utmost importance!

****

Entry Six Hundred Twenty-three—

Was that better?

__

"I suppose. It was rather scary though."

You're one to talk, Mister I-Inhabit-The-Body-Of-A-Teenager-And-Still-Like-To-Ascertain-That-I-Am-Not-Engaging-In-Promiscuous-Sexual-Relations-With-Said-Teenager.

__

"…"

****

Entry Six Hundred Twenty-four—

Consider that payback for being such a bitch before.

No one outdoes Seto Kaiba.

__

What about Ishizu?

…

****

Entry Six Hundred Twenty-five—

WHO THE HELL ASKED YOU?

****

Entry Six Hundred Twenty-six—

And plus she's so hot that I wholly and completely forgive her.

****

Entry Six Hundred Twenty-seven —

__

"Big brother, I located Joey's duel disk signal!"

Glad to know that my 1337 h4x0rz skillz rubbed off on you.

**Entry Six Hundred Twenty-eight—**

__

"Kaiba, you are such a…"

Don't say it.

__

"…n00b."

…

**Entry Six Hundred Twenty-nine—**

**WTFH**?

How does mummy-boy here know what a **n00b** is?

Next you'll be telling me that he knows the meaning of metrosexual.

****

Entry Six Hundred Thirty—

__

"A straight man that is very concerned about his appearance, isn't that right?"

…

_"Kaiba, would that perhaps mean that_ **you**_ are a metrosexual?"_

_..._

(insert face-fault here)

* * *

_And to answer the question prevented by the very lovely reviewer who asked how Kaiba could possibly keep track of all this: Maybe he just makes mental notes to himself? XD I don't think there's any other way to explain it. He can't be writing and dueling. (Or can he?) It's a rather dull excuse, so I'm open for suggestions._

_(And before someone asks, yes, he's going to be totally OOC whether you like it or not. XD; It's easier to make fun of him that way.)_

_Reviews would be FTW, kthxbai._


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